Never wanted to divorce, but he made a mistake, too lazy to fight, unwilling to scold, most women will choose to use silence to express anger, also known as the cold war.

For women, this is just a kind of irrelevant surface article only, need but some coaxing, more persuasion, as well as with the actual action to correct the error only.

But for men, it's not necessarily the case.

A lot of families have been blood lessons is that the woman and the man just surface cold war, but the man from the heart and the woman divorced.

01, 42 days after the cold war, I found his love partner.

"It's only 42 days, he can't stand it, I just don't talk to him, it's not dead, why would he buy something so disgusting to break my heart?" Is the second child baby mama Yihong (a pseudonym) crying.

According to Yihong, three months ago, she just gave birth to a second child, and is a daughter, her mother-in-law patriarchal, with a variety of reasons to shirk, do not help with the child.

Yihong mother's health is not good, take care of the month, went back to his home.

Husband was busy at work, and Yihong's life was predictable.

During the busy months, she suffered from severe post-partum depression, and her husband, who she should have relied on the most, was a "useless" man, condemning her for her outbursts and cries.

The two argued constantly, and the wars often began with the first baby's poop or the second baby's cry.

When the second baby was three months old, he fell ill with a fever. Yihong was anxious, but her husband, because of his work, was not in a better mood than Yihong.

The big baby's toilet poop, after pulling shouted mother wipe ass, also red is giving the second baby breastfeeding, away from the hand, let the husband to go, but the child insisted on mother wipe, crying more than the result of the husband will be the child to hit the tears.

This completely enraged Yihong, so Yihong began to count down the husband's day-to-day alienation of the child and irresponsible, but also involved the mother-in-law's various not, but also recalled since the marriage of the two get along in the heartbreak, and even with the tears and scolding is not too much, Yihong went up to hit her husband, her husband is angry, and left the house.

When the husband calmed down and apologized, begging for forgiveness, but also red where willing?

"Shouldn't I punish him? But what can I do? Two children, divorce? I can only sulk and ignore him." Yihong looked helpless.

The next few days, the family, in addition to the children's cries, is also red accusations and complaints.

Husband knew he was in the wrong, but he didn't take the initiative to hit him with a gun.

At the beginning, the husband said a word or two every day, but the husband didn't respond, so he got used to the idea and didn't say anything.

They are the only ones who have been able to get a good deal of money from the government, but they are not the only ones who have been able to get a good deal of money from the government, so they are not the only ones who have been able to get a good deal of money from the government.

"Although I and his cold war, but I live the same did not do less ah, two children I bring, his clothes I wash, meals I do, health I clean ...... and, I need nothing more than he coaxed a few more times, more persuasion a few times, seriously admit their mistakes, but a long time, he seemed to forget The mistake he made, very enjoy being cold war, do not work days, every day home to the house a drill, early to bed and early to rise, full of spirit, as if a newborn, men are so heartless?" Yihong does not understand.

After 42 days of cold war, Yihong, who was looking for a voucher for the child's vaccination, stepped into her husband's study for the first time.

An object on the bed aroused her curiosity, and by reading the instructions, she realized that it was a love object purchased by her husband.

"Can you imagine? You are tired every day, the night the second baby crying, the big baby haunted, and he and his erotic products ...... Maybe for others, the husband of this behavior and derailment qualitative difference, but for me, there is no difference, are abandoned their wives and children in the face, and extreme selfish behavior, is a betrayal of the marriage is to the actual action and I am divorced. "

Yihong's ideas are a bit extreme, but the aggression of Yihong is every woman can understand and empathize with.

02, 60 days after the Cold War, her husband has a new love.

"My temperament is a little stubborn, before marriage, my husband most appreciated is this, every time there is a contradiction, I will gamble, the phone does not pick up, text messages do not return, during this period of time, my husband will change the pattern of coaxing me, the phone bombardment, microblogging, text messages, messages, but after the marriage is not the same, the Cold War has become a mutual torment. " Is Li Ling (a pseudonym) on her husband's pre-marriage and post-marriage attitude different description.

Li Ling and her husband belonged to the late marriage, flash marriage, when they met, Li Ling 30 years old, her husband 34 years old.

Both sides are looking for a long time after the first sight, very satisfied, and feel that finally got a person, it is not in vain to go around for so many years.

So after 100 days of acquaintance, the two got married.

But after the marriage, Li Ling realized that she and her husband's life are not compatible.

She advocated a regular, healthy life and loved traveling, sports and socializing.

But her husband was comfortable, lazy and spontaneous, and had no plans or pursuits for his future, except for playing games, and was "indifferent" to everything.

At the beginning of the marriage, because of the husband's game, the two often cold war, short for a day or two, long for five or six days, both do not think.

After having a child, mother-in-law and daughter-in-law live together, the contradiction increases, the cold war has become a common occurrence, it is rare to see Li Ling's smiling face, her husband did not bother to coax Li Ling, let her all the grudges self-generated and extinguished.

The most recent cold war was when Li Ling went out to work in the morning, the morning train at 6:30 in the middle of winter, and the sky was not yet bright.

Li Ling waiting for the red light at the crosswalk, heard someone shouting across the street, but looked up to see a lewd man, with gestures, words, expressions of molestation her.

She was both scared and angry, and immediately called her husband, but no one answered the phone, so she didn't have to think about it, her husband was sleeping, but Li Ling waited all morning, and her husband didn't call to ask about it.

When she came home at night, she was incredibly aggravated and full of resentment to her husband about the morning's events, and her husband didn't care: "It's normal, you don't have to pay attention to him on the end." Let Li Ling is very angry, the same day and night, the two argued, upset.

The next morning, Li Ling let her husband get up early to send her on the bus, but her husband pulled the blanket and scolded a "psycho", continue to sleep their own sleep, that night, Li Ling will be her husband out of the room, began a cold war.

Husband did not have the will to make up, a month later, Li Ling's grievances gradually disappeared, began to gradually help her husband to wash clothes, tidy up the room, just do not talk to him, waiting for her husband to admit his faults and corrections.

But the day was long overdue, and her husband was instead happy and unimpressed.

After 60 days of cold war, the husband returned from a night of socializing, drunkenly opened his cell phone, unlocked the screen, and clicked on the voice content, which was a woman's hush-hush.

Finally, Li Ling still saw her husband and new love chat.

When Li Ling questioned her husband, he was justified: "Don't you like cold war? I'm not sure if you're a fan of the cold war, but I'm a fan of the cold war! The war!"

"Am I wrong? What's wrong?" Li Ling was furious and puzzled.

03, cold war after six months, I received my husband's divorce papers.

"Which is easier and less damaging, admitting fault or getting a divorce? I think normal people know the answer, but my husband chose the latter." It is Xiaoyang (a pseudonym) who is confused.

Xiaoyang and her husband's cold war began with mother-in-law and daughter-in-law conflicts.

Monthly, Xiaoyang and her mother-in-law because of child care and dietary issues caused a lot of conflict, but her husband always "the elderly have no obligation to wait for the month," "the elderly do not have the credit but also hard work," "you don't I don't know what to do," "she is my mother, what she does is right," "you are not grateful, but also pick and choose, is not filial piety," and other words to condemn Xiaoyang in the month.

Every time Xiaoyang herself was angry and cried in the house, her mother-in-law provoked some, and then she and her husband talked and laughed outside, staging a mother's kindness and filial piety.

So out of the month, Xiaoyang insisted on taking the child back to his mother's home, her husband did not stop, straight threw down a sentence: "pro mother only one, daughter-in-law can be another marriage." The cold war began because of the past contradictions, but also because of this ancient proverb.

From then on, every Sunday, her husband went to Xiaoyang's mother's home to visit her children, bringing some food and clothing, but Xiaoyang never talked to her husband.

After two months of this, her husband suggested that she take the child home, but she insisted that the family move out of her in-laws' home.

But her husband refused, citing the need to take care of the elderly, the need for someone to watch the children, her limited salary, her lack of a home, and the high cost of renting a room.

So the problem is again at an impasse, slowly, her husband came to Xiaoyang's home less and less often, from the initial once a week, to once every two weeks, to once a month, and her husband no longer mentioned to pick up the words of Xiaoyang's mother and son to go home. Finally, after six months of cold war, Xiaoyang received her husband's divorce agreement.

The reason given by her husband was: "Now that the pace of life is so fast and the pressure is so great, who has too much confidence in their own feelings? Half a year, I encountered how many difficulties at work and in life, do you know? Half a year is enough for a couple to be strangers. My mom said, for a little thing to move for half a year, how to live in the next few decades?"

"But these six months, he also do not care about me ah, the unit of people's naysaying, sister-in-law's blank stares, mom's difficulties, the child's crying ...... my pressure than him, not to mention that I just want to live their own lives with him and the child family of three just, where is the fault? " Is Xiaoyang's rhetorical question.

04, behind the aggrieved, is a terrible flood of emotions.

The above three examples all tell us that the cold war all started with unspeakable aggression, which then developed into long-term cold violence.

The person who is most aggrieved at the beginning of a cold war is often the one who suffers the most in the end, and inevitably leads to marital tragedy.

So how does the cold war hurt each other and ultimately jeopardize a marriage?

John Gottesman, the famous American psychologist and pope of marriage, put forward the concept of "emotional flooding" in his book "Happy Marriage".

Emotional flooding is when your spouse's negative emotions, whether under the guise of criticism, contempt or defense, suddenly erupt and become so overwhelming that you feel overwhelmed.

The beginning of the Cold War often begins with this passive resistance after being powerless to resist, and the process of the Cold War is a continuation of this negative emotional flooding.

So how to effectively end the cold war and solve the problem? The following three points may be able to help you:

1, positive interpretation: that is, the couple's positive view of each other and the marriage has become the dominant force, and tends to overwhelm other negative emotions, ignoring the tiny negative emotions.

Both small for big, negative for positive, think more about the merits of their marriage. For example, the reasons for being together in the first place, what you have in the present, what you expect in the future, etc.

2, feelings repair attempt. This is to prevent negative emotions from escalating and from getting out of control through some words or actions, whether stupid or clever.

These attempts include specific methods such as apologizing, words, hugs, no-pressure conversations, dating, and compromising.

3. Start with gentleness and end with compromise. John Gottman tells us with his own big data on marriage:

The way a discussion begins, the way it inevitably ends.

Whether you like it or not, the only way to solve marital problems is to seek compromise.

So replace the cold war with wisdom, and solve the problems with love, and happiness will be just around the corner.

May the above words, encourage my readers***.

Like my words, welcome to leave a message, like, discuss, forward.

Today's discussion topic:

When you encounter problems in your marriage, do you choose to go cold turkey? Why?