Speaking of cheating (4) - She cheated, what should I do?

1. She can also cheat

After the video of Andy Hui and Huang Xinying’s affair was exposed, the scolding on the Internet has not stopped. Sammi Cheng’s best friend posted a long article scolding Andy Hui for being a bitch. In the Hong Kong circle The famous Xiang Tai also angrily asked if they would continue without being photographed.

I also heard that Sammi Cheng moved out of the love nest without saying a word. Just when everyone was worried that her depression would attack again, Sammi Cheng, who had been silent for a few days, suddenly posted a message expressing her forgiveness for Xu Zhian, claiming that it was the husband and wife. The lesson between them is also a lesson on the road to marriage in the future. Happiness is not just about smooth and happy events. There are also trials in it, and you must go through ups and downs. The husband and wife must face their own weaknesses together and never give up on themselves. Give up on each other, correct each other, and give each other pointers. The firmness and sincerity between the lines make people feel distressed and helpless.

Netizens were shocked. Regardless of their status as celebrities, Xu Zhian had many affairs with each other during their decades of love, separation and reunification. Not one of the young models or agents was left behind, and Sammi Cheng had almost no scandals except focusing on her career and fighting depression.

No one expected that Sammi Cheng would stand for forgiveness this time. This versatile queen in the entertainment industry always seems to be passive in relationships. And if you look at the number of actresses in the industry who choose to compromise their relationships like Sammi Cheng, there are really not a few actresses in the industry. Ma Yili said "just do it and cherish it" and forgave the article; when faced with the public opinion that Chen Sicheng met two women in one night, Yaya only sent a friend After Lin Dan cheated on her during pregnancy, Xie Xingfang also posted a message saying that the family should stay together through thick and thin.

These examples remind me of the countless psychological counseling cases of women who have been cheated on in the clinical work of the sleep psychology center of our unit. The most common ones among them are: "self-blame" and "don't know." How do you feel about yourself?"

It seems that their anger can only be justified when they are completely flawless. But who can be completely flawless in all interactions?

1. Harsh social environment

Women are always accompanied by a variety of questioning voices in social life. It seems that no matter what they do, they will be rejected by society. .

This experience begins in childhood: when I was a child, I was good at studying, but the teacher said that girls lacked stamina and would not be as good as boys in the future.

As you grow older, if you are beautiful, you will be questioned whether you are superficial, definitely not smart, and most likely worship money. If you are ugly - you will face more denial and doubt.

If you are thin, you will be said to be too thin to have a child; if you are fat, you will even be questioned about moral issues - without self-discipline, what can you do if you cannot even control your own body?

If you have a high degree of education, you will be questioned. How can you find a partner with such a high degree of education? If you have a low level of education, you will be told that if you are so poor at reading, you must not be smart or social.

If you earn too much, you will be questioned that your marriage will definitely fail; if you earn less, you will be questioned for not being independent and looking for a man just for money.

If you get married early, you will be questioned because you haven’t figured out what you want to do; if you don’t get married, you will be questioned because you can’t get married and no one wants you.

Being questioned follows women throughout their lives, bringing with them increasingly stringent self-standards and self-loathing for not meeting such standards.

Once there is some kind of dilemma in their lives, they will start to reflect on themselves "Am I a good enough woman?"

And the standard of "a good enough woman" is so high and unattainable, full of too many dwarfings, and ultimately becomes impossible amid contradictions and embarrassment.

In the long-term anxiety and hesitation, women have generally developed low self-esteem. Often doubt one's own worth, whether one is worthy of being loved, whether there is something wrong with oneself that makes it impossible to be loved; often feel doubt and denial about oneself; often tell oneself that many things are impossible or impossible.

2. Being asked to do this

The situation of women did not happen overnight, so our parents have already faced this dilemma and summarized how their generation dealt with this dilemma. dilemma strategy.

Before her marriage, Yanzi's father asked her to do more work after arriving at her husband's house, cook and wash her husband, and serve him well. When faced with her son-in-law's cheating, her first reaction was to teach her daughter to be patient. In the eyes of Yanzi's father, his daughter's personal feelings and life value do not seem to be important. It is only good if she manages the man and the family well.

This idea can be summed up in one sentence: Women should strive to remain humble. "Meeting is a standard that cannot go wrong" is a man's choice.

Whether it is appearance, studies, or career, you should neither lag behind others nor stand out too much. Get married and have children at the "appropriate" age, and maintain a good balance between work and family. This is the life of a "decent" woman.

Furthermore, it is a woman’s merit to achieve her husband and children.

Staying humble, sacrificing yourself, and achieving others are the successful experiences of women in the past.

But obviously, this kind of thinking is destined to fail to lead women to freedom and full bloom.

Modern women already know how to fight against this kind of thinking, but they still find it difficult to find effective new strategies.

Women have learned to deny and criticize this kind of thinking, but they are frustrated in reality. They have not obtained a sufficiently satisfying intimate relationship, or are trapped in an intimate relationship that is not good enough. It stems from the failure to abide by the set of experiences summarized by predecessors.

There are too many ways to put women on the pillar of shame in this society, so that in order to escape the worst outcome, too many women have no choice but to choose to be someone who is not good enough, but not too bad either. Something to compromise. So compromise becomes an important "experience" in another woman's life.

3. Change for freedom

Women are easily isolated and stigmatized. The most common punishment adopted by society for those who do not conform to its own rules is expulsion. Women's sense of self-worth relies heavily on relationships. It is in relationships that women realize who they are, and the harm that expulsion brings to women is tantamount to destruction.

In this situation, in order to break through the many difficulties that society has set for women and find their own path to happiness, women must bravely take a step towards change: stop catering.

They must learn to choose their own position and stand firm. In addition, they learn to make choices and accept the responsibilities that come with their choices.

Before that, the first thing they need to do is to adjust their view of themselves and improve their self-esteem. Taking a firm stand and making a choice also means taking responsibility for yourself.

Women have long been questioned in their growth experiences, and they have long distrusted their ability to take responsibility. They cater because of the childlike vulnerability that dependence brings to them and their fear of the consequences of being abandoned. They hope that by being catered to, they can be cared for and loved.

4. Letter to Ladies

(1) To be a woman in this era, you must be able to realize that you have the ability to make choices for yourself and have the ability Bear the consequences and responsibility for your choices. You don't need to be attached, so you have complete freedom of choice. Don't be afraid to take responsibility for your life, because you are fully capable of handling it.

(2) You must realize that your value does not come from being recognized by various voices in society. You do not need to cater to their standards. Your value comes precisely from your ability to understand your own needs. , and insist on looking for what you really need.

(3) You need to truly understand that as long as you exist, you are worthy of being loved. The voices of this society may represent some mainstream "like" standards, but in fact, you don't need a lot of people to like you. In love, you only need one person to like you. The world is such a big place, and there must be people who like you. You don’t need to tolerate people and things that you know are hurting you just to be liked.

(4) You need to be able to feel angry. You begin to be able to naturally feel intolerable and angry at words and actions that detract from your value. Anger can cause you to distance yourself from these people or situations, or to fight against them. Anger motivates you to protect your own rights and dignity.

(5) You must firm your position and believe that this world allows many kinds of thoughts to exist at the same time. Your position is the same as other people’s positions. You have the right to exist openly and honestly. You deserve to stick to yourself. position, because only in this way can you attract those who are truly attracted to "you".

2. It was he and she who cheated

I can accept physical cheating, but not mentally;

I can accept mental cheating, but not physically;< /p>

She cheated on her, but she still loves her, but she can’t accept it;

She cheated on her, but she still loves her, how can I forgive her?

Everyone seems to have a different definition and response to infidelity.

But no matter what, cheating is wrong, no doubt about it.

Even for people who believe in open relationships, cheating is wrong.

The core definition of cheating is not that a person in a relationship has sex with a third party, or has a crush on a third party, but that a person is "breaking a promise."

If you are not a person who favors open relationships, then the confirmation of a romantic relationship for you means that you will remain faithful to each other physically and mentally, even if you don't say it, it is established by default.

If you are in favor of an open relationship, although you can have a physical relationship with a third party in your relationship, you still default to being spiritually loyal to each other.

Those who support polygamy are beyond the scope of this discussion. I believe that the above two categories have covered most people.

So when we say cheating is wrong, what we really want to say is that breaking a promise is wrong.

Fulfilling a promise is the premise and foundation for the establishment and maintenance of a serious love relationship, so the devastating part of the disaster caused by cheating is not the filth of the body and the betrayal of the soul, but trust. The collapse and disintegration of relationships.

Even if you are strong enough to forgive the past or change your past, you still have to face worries or doubts about the future.

A survey in the United States shows that 75% and 68% of men and women respectively have cheated in some relationship in their lives. It can be seen that the gap between male and female ratio is not very big.

I am very curious about what our country’s data is? After consulting a lot of information, the data are inconsistent and the research is not very rigorous. But it shows from the side that cheating is not a new thing in China. Maybe you who are reading this article have experienced or are currently experiencing it.

Since almost all humans believe that cheating is wrong, why does cheating happen so frequently?

(1) Cliché reasons:

1. Evolutionary psychology

Men must sow seeds widely to continue their genes; women must provide for themselves who are in a disadvantaged position. Prepare your next home for future generations. Some evolutionary psychologists use this theory to explain the philandering behavior of some men. I have reservations about this.

2. Negative emotions

Negative emotions caused by conflicts and quarrels between couples or couples, leading to a lack of positive emotions, and then going out to seek compensation for positive emotions. At the same time, we should also pay attention to the negative emotion of "being ignored", which may be more terrifying than a head-on conflict.

There is a scene in "Sex and the City" where lawyer Miranda and her husband have always had a good relationship. Her husband is a good gentleman and no one thought that he would cheat. But just when Miranda, a workaholic, was busy with her career for a long time and even urged her husband to end the sexual intercourse after a long time, Mr. Hao, who couldn't bear it anymore, slept with an unrelated woman.

Therefore, it is important for both men and women to learn to balance their love life and career.

3. Sexual life is not harmonious

Do I need to say more?

(2) Reasons worth thinking about

What makes humans different from animals is socialization. Of course we still retain our biology, but social rules have gradually been internalized by us and become human guidelines, so the perspective of evolutionary psychology can be referenced.

Psychologists have already conducted surveys that show that among those who have cheated, 56% of married men and 34% of married women think their marriages are happy.

74% of men who cheated physically were also emotionally involved. Well, let alone women.

Of course, there are many theories about the separation of sex and love, and I partially agree with it, but the key point is that who can clearly distinguish the long-term pleasure caused by sex from pure sex? , or sex with a little love added to it, or will it eventually turn into sex with love?

Why do men and women who have an extremely harmonious sex life and extremely good relationships still cheat?

1. Patriarchal thinking

She is just having fun, and in the end she would just go home;

She is so dependent on me, even if I do something wrong, You will definitely forgive me;

I love her, it’s just physical cheating, it’s nothing, which man doesn’t do this;

I just need to coax her, every time It doesn't happen every time, it's okay.

I believe you have probably heard or thought about these words or ideas, and may have compromised or repeated them again and again.

Since our society still retains a large part of the patriarchal ideas left over from the past, women's subordinate role has more or less affected modern people's views on mate selection, love, and even values.

I know clearly that these logics and ideas are very incorrect, but I am still forced to accept them, because the first reaction of normal men will still come out and affect my judgment.

However, research shows that whether a person will ultimately engage in unfaithful behavior depends largely on the opinions of others.

In other words, cheating is encouraged when you are forced to accept that others do not do the same.

The cheating partner you are experiencing now may have been encouraged by another person's thoughts.

And your current acceptance behavior also contributes to this cheating big data.

Therefore, as a victim, you may have a great responsibility for such a high cheating rate.

Your responsibility is to accept and tolerate blindly.

2. Lack of positive emotions or negative emotions

Do you think that all negative emotions are associated with cheating?

For example, regret, guilt...that's really just what you think.

Research shows that most people have both positive and negative emotions after experiencing infidelity, and a small number of people even have no negative emotions at all.

This means that after cheating, you will suffer sudden blows and injuries, but part of the experience will be happy.

Therefore, this behavior will appear again because of the reinforcement of positive emotions.

For example, a better sexual experience, the release of stress and negative emotions, or simply seeking excitement, satisfying curiosity, and you forgive him...

There is another kind of thing you like most What is unacceptable is dating, a story of first dating and then falling in love.

3. Sex addiction or compulsive sexual behavior

Sex addiction is a kind of obsessive-compulsive disorder, that is, even if you know clearly that there will be risks in doing a certain behavior, you still repeat it. Implementation is beyond the control of the parties.

If this is the case, don’t say much and please seek medical treatment in time.

(3) Jungui’s advice

1. To the cheating party

(1) Sincere apology

If you If you still want a relationship to work, even if you have to experience the positive reactions after cheating, keep your focus on the negative reactions.

Because there are discussions about emotional issues everywhere nowadays, everyone is becoming more and more self-aware and has begun to have a more mature attitude and view on relationships.

Your chances of being forgiven a second time are getting slimmer and slimmer, so this may be your last chance to fight, so please cherish it.

(2) Don’t over-explain.

If there are indeed some problems in the relationship, and you did not intend to cheat on the other person, then on the premise that you are clearly aware of this problem, talk to the other person. Raise the issue in a very neutral manner and state your position on the solution.

Then proceed with a sincere apology. It will take a long time to repair the relationship. Please be prepared to deal with shame, shame and guilt. At the same time, you must also deal with the past that you will still think of from time to time. pleasure.

(3) Cut off all contact with the cheating partner

(4) Ensure the other person’s normal life

Silently take care of the other person’s daily life and diet to ensure that he or she is normal As life goes on, wait for the other person's mood to recover enough to discuss the problem.

2. For the cheated party

(1) First determine the other party’s reaction

If he makes the above reaction, it means that this is a solvable problem The problem, although painful, is not irreversible.

If the other party neither shows sincerity in apologizing nor is he willing to solve the immediate trouble, please at least preserve your self-respect and stop trying to retain him.

(2) Listen and understand

If there is indeed a problem in your relationship that needs to be solved, and the other party shows behaviors such as apologizing, cutting off contact, etc., then you are left to overcome it place.

This step is very difficult, but it depends on whether you think this relationship is worth it. In any case, it is your own choice.

If you think it's worth it, stop yelling and blaming and start responding in a less out-of-control way.

First listen to his views and explanations on the matter, and then find out the parts that are consistent with the facts and understand them.

You don’t have to worry that the other person won’t know you are angry unless you yell. Your silence may be the most effective form of anger.

(3) Keep your life as normal as possible

You may have symptoms such as anorexia, insomnia, poor motivation for life, etc., so take care of your needs in these aspects first, and wait until your life can be restored. Once things are done normally, then consider dealing with the issue of cheating.

(4) Address the issue rather than the person

On the one hand, focus on the occurrence and solution of the problem and do not make personal attacks.

After all, if you already think the other person is a scumbag, why should you force yourself to save the relationship?

On the other hand, avoid self-denial.

Both parties are responsible for the problem. Don’t think that the other person cheated on me because I wasn’t good enough.

After all, if he thinks you are not good enough, why should he stay and bear the blame and guilt?

Likewise, relationship repair takes a long time, so be prepared to deal with your own emotional relapses and crises of trust in each other.

If you don’t want to bear this, you have the right to leave.

3. For both parties

Re-establish trust and respect each other’s trust.

The power of trust is powerful precisely because it cannot be broken.

Respect opportunities, because there is only one chance for many things.

3. She really cheated

Every husband who is deeply betrayed by his wife’s cheating must calm down and keep telling himself two things after encountering this kind of situation. Things:

1. You are an adult;

2. You are a decent person.

Complaining means nothing. All you can do is try to minimize the negative impact this incident has on yourself and try to prevent it from happening again. After all, life goes on.

With the continuous liberation of sexual concepts, cheating on the part of one spouse is a very real problem that many married couples will encounter.

According to statistics, the number of divorces is increasing year by year, reaching more than 1.85 million last year. Most of these are due to one spouse cheating, or not being "loyal" enough to the marriage, resulting in the breakdown of the relationship.

So, as a husband, how should you respond when you find out that your wife is not only possibly, but actually cheating?

Compared with the traditional concept of the humiliation of "being cuckolded", as a mature and rational modern man in the 21st century, you must first understand three truths:

First, this world It is a very realistic world where everyone can only work hard to be themselves and do not have to have excessive demands on others.

Second, nothing in this world is ever taken for granted.

Third, everything that happens in this world has a corresponding cost or price.

For example, if something like this happens to your friend, you can drink with him and sing the HI song, "Cry, man, you are not drunk," and go with him to scold the so-called " Bad woman".

As a friend, I do this not because it is of any practical use, but simply because my friend needs comfort and psychological recognition more at this time. Although this comfort and psychological recognition may not change the status quo in any way.

If this thing happens to you accidentally, then it is actually very meaningless to drag your friends to drink and vent with you - you know what happened to him, you What he would do, so you also know what he would do if you encountered such a thing. Since he knows that what he does has no significance to reality, why bother wasting his friend's time and saliva?

Moreover, you never know how your friends will comment on this matter behind your back after they comfort you in person and accompany you to scold your wife. If your heart is strong enough to face this difficulty alone, why should you let yourself become the laughing stock of others?

If the cheap sympathy and support of others cannot bring substantial spiritual and material benefits, then it is actually better not to let anyone know about it as much as possible.

As for having to worry about how your wife would betray you and have sex with someone else...

To be honest, besides irritating yourself, , there is no meaning except heading towards the abyss of crime of passion. ——Why should you punish yourself for the faults of others?

Song Jiang furiously beheaded Yan Poxi, and Wu Song fought and killed Ximen Qing. In ancient society, they were good stories about heroes. But in a modern legal society, others may sometimes express praise or regret, but no one can and cannot replace you in jail or being shot.

Compared with this, it is more meaningful to calmly reflect on: Why did my wife cheat? What did I do wrong? Is there room for improvement and remedial measures?

This is not the Virgin, nor is it pretentious, but facing reality. ——Things have already happened, and there is no point in complaining. All you can do is try to minimize the negative impact this incident has on yourself and try to prevent it from happening again. After all, life goes on.

Then, you should evaluate your wife's emotional state if she is really in love with someone else. So congratulations, you can sit down and discuss the division of property calmly.

Of course, as the non-fault party in the marriage, please fight for as much of your due rights as possible. Don't be like Geng Hao in "Blissful Heart", who cut all household appliances in half with a hacksaw. It is pointless to lose both people and money.

If your wife still loves you, but it was just a temporary indulgence, or some kind of accident (such as drunken sex), then please go to the next step and take her for a comprehensive physical examination to ensure that she There was no unwanted pregnancy.

Then, give her enough time and space to regain her enthusiasm and calm down after the passion, and then proceed to the next step of communication.

Maybe you need to see a psychologist or a marriage counselor together to review your current marital status; maybe you need to relive your honeymoon vacation to rekindle your passion.

Or maybe, after trying all possible options, you find that it is impossible to recover, and you have to go back to the previous step: sit down and calmly discuss the issue of property division.

Just like Geng Hao in "Blooming Heart", he finally let go and relieved his ex-wife Kang Xiaoyu, and then started a new life and found new love.

——To use the most vulgar saying: There is no grass anywhere in the world.

Compared with the traditional concept that the wife is the husband's "private property", and one feels that one's dignity as a man has been offended, and one is miserable and furious about it, it is better to recognize a basic In fact, she is also an adult with free will and can freely control her body, and you and her were just a pair of strangers in the previous ten or decades of life, right?

Ding Jungui

August 1, 2019