1: I’m not your little raccoon, and I can’t play with you as much as you want.

2: Waiting for your concern, waiting until I close my heart.

3: It is inevitable to blame the hand of time and write love as having loved each other.

4: The world is so wonderful, but you are so irritable. This is not good, not good.

5: God said there should be light, but I said I was against it, so there was darkness in the world.

6: Are you unhappy? Say it to make everyone happy.

7: The difference between humans and pigs is that pigs are always pigs, while humans are sometimes not humans. !

8: Other people’s money is my personal belongings.

9: How far is eternity? Just get away as far as you can!

10: A first-class man has a home outside his home; a second-class man has flowers outside his home; a third-class man has flowers outside his home. A man is looking for a home among flowers; a fourth-class man’s family comes home from get off work; a fifth-class man’s wife is not at home; a sixth-class man has no wife or home.

11: No one is born who is afraid of death, and no one who is afraid of death is born, so no one should pretend to be arrogant.

12: The price of everything is rising, which means people are getting cheaper.

13: I face the cruelty of the world with ridiculous happiness

14: For men, the age of twenty is Pentium, the age of thirty is Microsoft, the age of forty is Panasonic, and the age of fifty is Lenovo

15: I think "Can't afford to be hurt" is scarier than "Uneasy".

16: They said the Internet is fake, but I laughed as if reality was real.

17: Some people put blue eye shadow on me, which is an insult to me for giving me dark circles!

18: Sleep is an art, and no one can stop me from pursuing art. Footsteps!

19: God saw you were thirsty and created water;

20: What is the biggest difference between Jesus and Sakyamuni? One has big curly hair and the other has small hair. roll.

21: I went to a pizza shop to buy pizza! The waiter asked me if I wanted it cut into pieces or chunks? I thought about it and said: Let’s stick to chunks! I can’t finish the chunks!

22: I am not a superman because I wear my pants outside my underwear.

23: Protect yourself, love others, and please don’t come out in the middle of the night to scare people.

24: People who have a crush on me, how can you be so calm?

25: China has one of the largest legal profiteering societies, Deyun Society.

26: Tomorrow comes tomorrow, there are so many tomorrows! Since there are so many, you might as well put it off any longer.

27: Men are most taboo with empty guns. Leave more bullets for the enemy.

28: You are the sun in the sky, and I am the mountain on the earth; you are the moon in the sky, and I am the ocean on the earth; you are the crow flying in the sky, and I am the earthly dog ??chasing after you. Chasing

29: All men in the world are liars. Both beautiful and not beautiful women will be deceived. The difference is that the lucky woman found a big liar who deceived her for the rest of her life. The unfortunate woman found a little liar who deceived her

30: Time is for wandering, the body is for loving, life is for forgetting, and the soul is for singing .

31: The soft wind caresses the willow branches, and the bees are busy picking flowers. I want to write a perfect poem, but I have to wait until there is no frog croaking.

32: Never mention it not because you forget, but because you remember it

33: There are not many ladies in the world, but there are many who pretend to be.

34: When will the bright moon come, look up yourself

35: Ever since I turned into shit, no one has stepped on my head.

36: Your age is written on your reproductive organs.

37: When I take off my clothes, I am a beast, but when I put on clothes, I am a beast!

38: The lost happiness is your chrysanthemum, and you often only feel it when you have diarrhea. It blooms particularly brilliantly -

39: No doubt, I am the poor man in your dream.

40: My advantage is that I have no disadvantages, and my disadvantage is of course that I have no advantages~

41: I feel that I am special. I have watched the Journey to the West version for many years. I have always thought that there are more episodes and fewer episodes. As a result, I wanted to watch it today, Nima, Caiji. Why did I always feel like I couldn’t finish it when I was a kid? Do you still think Journey to the West is a long children’s book?

42: It’s easy to hide when you are exposed, but hard to prevent when you are undercover.

43: I don’t tidy up the room, I am a beauty in a messy room. There is one in every forest

44: If you are desperate, why not walk? Just take a car.

45: You are the wind and I am the sand, you are the toothpaste and I am the brush, you are the Hami and I am the melon, if you don’t love me I will commit suicide

46: The tongue is more beautiful than the teeth Longevity, software lasts longer than hardware.

47: Life is really fun, because life is always fun for me.

48: Life is like Super Girl, and those who survive to the end are pure men.

49: The tongue lasts longer than the teeth, and the software lasts longer than the hardware.

50: During the exam, I originally wanted to stir-fry the salted fish from his grandma, but unexpectedly it stuck to the pan.

51: If this is not love, then I would rather sell cabbage.

52: Don’t talk about feelings with me. Talking about feelings will hurt your money.

53: Sorry, please speak Mandarin. I can’t understand Cantonese.

54: The most useless thing in the world is the timely salary slip. It looks angry and wipes the butt too thinly.

55: A good horse never eats the grass that turns back, so a good horse always goes hungry.

56: If you are polite to some people, they will treat you like garbage.

57: Who are you making that expression with? . The loan I owe you is about to expire or something.

58: I laugh at the sky with my sword across my shoulder, and go to sleep after laughing!

59: There must be a road in front of the mountain, and I can't stop even if there is a road.

60: As a typical failure, you are too successful.

61: When we are together for a long time, we will break up, and when we are apart for a long time, we will be together; if you drink, you will go crazy, and when you drink, you will drink.

62: What is cruel? For a man, I will break his three legs; for a man, I will break his three legs; Dog, I will break all five of its legs.

63: If I become the emperor, I will make you the prince!

64: Family affairs and state affairs are world affairs, and having no money to eat is a big deal!

65: I only trust two people in the world, one is me and the other is not you.

66: The customer is just a fart, just let it go and it will go smoothly

67: If my friends can sell them, and each one is worth five yuan, I can also make a small fortune.

68: My waist flashed, and the trouble was not youth, but stress.

69: How to tax taxes reasonably? The boss is thinking about how to avoid taxes reasonably, and I am thinking about how to get more sleep reasonably! Summary of funny quotations in class

1: When I was in school, I was punished for being naughty. I was fixed in the first row of seats. Once during Geometry class, my deskmate was sleeping. The teacher silently tinkered with various graphics and explanations on the blackboard for twenty minutes. Then he was about to start talking. I whispered in the ear of my deskmate. In one sentence, the teacher asked you to wipe the blackboard, and you stood up and rushed to the podium in a daze. There was a fierce swipe with swords and swords. The teacher wanted to stop you, but in desperation, he kicked the side with a gorgeous kick

2: The swimming class teacher asked: All swimming today involves getting into the water. A student complained: But I haven’t learned to swim yet.

The teacher glanced at him and said calmly: If you don't do it, all the names will be crossed out in the sign-in book! The student replied pitifully: If you do, my household registration book will cross me out. . .

3: Learn to organize physical examinations. To check stool, a toilet box is distributed to students in advance. A student asked: Teacher, I am constipated and what should I do if I can’t poop? The teacher said: Use a stick to do it. Another teacher was even more outrageous and said: Prepare the toilet box and pick it up on the day you have it. Then put it in the refrigerator and take it with you on the day of the physical examination. .

4: Once when I went to the criminal law, the teacher said: Today we will talk about the principal criminal. The principal criminal can be cooked in a rice cooker or an iron pot. . . Okay, stop making trouble, what is the main culprit? The main culprit is to put the rice in the pot and then add some water. . . Hahaha~ Then he went to enjoy himself against the wall, leaving us in a mess below. . .

5: A student’s QQ status: There are too many homeworks, and you can use them to play cards. A pair of Chinese papers! No! I want it! Four English papers exploded! I can’t afford it, so keep walking. Three history papers and one political paper. Otherwise. A pair of math papers, submitted

6: The eve of graduation of a student with poor homework. She said to her English teacher: Thank you, teacher. Thank you very much. Although I have graduated, you will always be my teacher. If you want me to do something, don't be polite. The teacher said: OK, please do something for me. You must never tell anyone that I taught you English.

7: The math teacher in high school was so awesome that he brought a deck of cards into the classroom for the first time, gave one to each person, and asked everyone to remember their own cards. From then on, he brought them with him every day in class. Holding that deck of cards, I was shuffling the cards on the podium while teaching!!! From time to time, I would throw out two cards and say Club J Diamond 4 to do the questions...

8: One time the teacher was giving a lecture On the family genetic map, the teacher asked: If his daughter is sick, what is the probability of her daughter getting a genetic disease if she marries a normal man and has children? The weird student answered: Probably zero! The teacher asked why! He: Don’t forget There is a disease in the world called infertility! Teacher: Get out of here!!!

9: When I was eating melon seeds today, I suddenly thought of the self-study in elementary school, where I peeled them silently for a while. During class time, prepare to eat it in one go after class. As a result, our class teacher walked in and immediately grabbed the melon seeds I had hidden under the textbook and swallowed them. Yes, he swallowed them. I also said something to HLL, I’ve been watching you stripping for a long time outside the window, and I’m just waiting for you to strip more!

10: One time, the Chinese teacher left a semi-open essay topic "I admire you most." "Mother's". When commenting on the results, the teacher said helplessly, "I know what you think about writing. I admire my mother's hard work the most. The hardships and the like are a bit overused. I want to bring out the old and bring out the new, but no matter what, I can't write " I admire my mother’s son the most!

11: During the lunch break, a petite beauty in the class was erasing the blackboard. Because I am not tall, there is a large area that cannot be rubbed even when I stand on tiptoe. The way she tried so hard aroused my protective desire! Without saying anything, I walked up to her and said to her kindly: Let me help you. She looked very touched and said: Thank you. Then I put my arms around her waist and lifted her up

12: Once in English class, I was half asleep, and the teacher asked me: Is a tomato a fruit or a vegetable? I'm confused. How do I know? I have to guess. , fruit...the teacher's voice was an octave higher? Fortunately, I was smart and quickly realized that it was vegetables, vegetables! The teacher finally couldn't bear it anymore: I want you to translate this sentence!

13: When the Chinese teacher was talking about Li Qingzhao’s poems in class, he said that this sentence is deserted and miserable. Who else can write such good refrains now? I laughed and said: Memorize silently, learn to sleep, wake up and do it tiredly. It is most difficult to fall asleep when you are reviewing before an exam. How can three cups and two bowls of coffee compete with it? Papers are flying all over the place? Failing an exam is sad, but it makes people collapse.

14: When I was a sophomore in high school, the whole grade went to the school branch to do some comprehensive practice, and they all lived on campus.

One day, the school leader gave a lecture, talking about discipline issues: Once a boy is found entering the girls' dormitory, the school will deal with it seriously. Someone asked below: What about girls? The leader said cheerfully: Girls, if a girl is caught entering the boys' dormitory, she will bear the consequences.

15: When I was in elementary school, I was playing with a freshly picked gourd. While we were playing enthusiastically, the teacher said: So-and-so, stand up for me and tell me what I just said? As a result, I didn’t know which muscle was cramped, so I directly raised the gourd and said to the teacher : I called your name, do you dare to agree? Later, my parents came to school to take me away

16: I am a sophomore girl with an unrestrained personality and a big body. I escaped from the experimental class this afternoon and asked my roommate to help me. When I handed in the leave note, there were less than 20 people in one laboratory. The teacher read the note and said: Oh, it’s that fat girl, no wonder I think there are a few people missing. The lab was hilarious

17: A girl is taking English in New Oriental On the first day of class, the English teacher asked all the students: What career do you want to do after graduating from college? The girl was excited when she heard it. She knew that her answer must be different, so she blurted out: I want to be a cook (I want to be a cook) After she finished speaking, a brother sitting next to her sighed and patted her shoulder and said quietly: Sister, you have found the wrong New Oriental

18: The male classmate stands on my left, the female classmate stands on my right, and the others If a person stays still, he will not move.

19: One day it was raining heavily outside. The teacher walked into the classroom with a face full of rain. He was looking for something in front of the desk. After searching for a while, he asked the classmates in the front row: I wiped the paper. Where is the face?

20: Line segment a is half of line segment b, so how much of line segment b is line segment a? (The whole class is silent, waiting for discussion, after a long while) Line segment b is half of line segment a. Half. (Halo)

21: In junior high school, a certain mathematics teacher was talking about equation transformation. He rolled up his sleeves on the podium and shouted loudly: Students, pay attention! I am going to transform!

22: A classmate When they were making trouble below, our teacher said: Stand on the blackboard!! It’s very difficult.

23: My junior high school teacher likes to use the word "immerse" when talking about topics. My base radius is CM and my height is CM. Then someone below me calls me a loser and the whole class bursts into laughter

24: The junior high school English teacher was a bald man. One day in class, he asked a classmate: what day is today? (Is my head bald?) The classmate thought for a while and answered: Yes

25: A boy asked in the third year of high school mathematics. :Teacher, I don’t have a pencil for drawing. Should I borrow one or use a pen? Teacher (elderly woman) replied: Just do whatever you want.

26: High school algebra teacher: Don’t make any noise.

27: A high school chemistry teacher and dean deliberately made a mistake when answering a question, and then asked a classmate to find the mistake. After the student answered with difficulty, the teacher applauded and said seriously: "Very good, you have seen the teacher's flaws." Everyone was dumbfounded. After class, the teacher just walked out and the whole class burst into laughter.

28: One day, when our high school mathematics teacher was telling us about the periodic table of functions, when he mentioned the word period, he walked down the stage excitedly and said to the whole class: You don’t understand period yet? It's true that pigs are smarter than you. Then he pointed to a girl in the first row and said: Do you know what a cycle is? Explain it to them. The whole class fainted.

29: When we were in junior high school, we stipulated that school uniforms should be worn when raising the national flag. As a result, there were always some people who did not wear school uniforms or only wore pants or clothes.

Then every time before the flag was raised, the principal held a loudspeaker and said: Some students don't wear clothes, some don't wear pants, and some don't wear clothes at all

30: Chinese The teacher taught Chibi's text, talking about Cao's soldiers trampling each other on Huarong Road, and lamented: Abortion is terrible

31: One day when I was doing math, I saw a green leaf on my math teacher's tooth (teacher I probably ate dumplings stuffed with chives at noon) After a while, I found that the leaves were gone. When I got out of class, I found them on the neck of a girl in our class

32: The female teacher of the junior high school Chinese class just graduated from the Normal University. , good at everything, except that he likes to make students go to the blackboard to write explanations of nouns silently on the blackboard. The method is that the teacher dictates a certain word, and the students write it silently and add explanations. I remember once, I got a boy who didn’t like to listen. The teacher repeated it over and over again, and the boy scratched his scalp and stayed in front of the blackboard for several minutes, and suddenly wrote down: Bitch: Dirty, not a good thing. The whole class burst into laughter, and the female teacher was so angry that she couldn't say a word. Summary of Song Xiaobao's classic funny quotes

1. Haiyan! Please be careful! 2. The big girl was so frightened at the sight that she became excited! 3. Shameless! 4. I owe you money. Did I write you an IOU? 5. Life is like making a phone call. Either you hang up first, or I hang up first. 6. Oh, I’ll go. 7. (Talk to Erya) We are good sisters! 8. Wife! Go up! 9. Wearing glasses makes you look like you have a diploma! 10. (Hold the tree and call daddy) Dad! Daddy! I haven’t seen you for such a long time and I’m so tired of looking at you! 11. If I could swipe my credit card, what else would I want? 12. (Tell the big guy) You can see clearly just by looking at the pulse: Infertility ~ Infertility ~ Infertility ~ Infertility 13. Just poke us both with those three threads The number 14 is in my nostrils. Last year I believed in the horoscope, this year I believe in the five elements. Just say it! 15. (Speaking of oneself) She is naturally beautiful, and looks like a beggar. 16. You just don’t care. 17. Come and kiss me! 18. I do! 19.Alas! The mouth is full of fangs, the hooves are turned and the palms are bright! 20. Is it short-sighted? What is it called: Oh my god, call me baby! 21. Believe it or not, I will kill you. 22. You are useless at all. 23. I wonder if this is the end of my life? Do you want to go back? Can I still go back? 24. Don’t talk about pretending to be a beggar, I’ll do it even if you pretend to be a grandchild! 25. Is the red rabbit a horse? I thought it was Bunny! 26. Oh, let me go and look at your shame. 27. Where is it small? Besides being small, what is the reason for being small? Where are the smaller shoes if they are three to five? 28. My hungry stomach is a little special. 29. It doesn’t hurt, it doesn’t hurt, it’s a monkey, it’s a monkey! 30. It’s unconscionable to say that! 31.Don’t make any noise! 32. Chicken feet! 33. Rolling calf system! 34. You give me money. Your money is rimmed with gold. 35. Should I give it to you? 36. On the vast sea! The blue sky is covered with dark clouds! Between the dark clouds and the sea, there is a petrel, who is here to match the two of us, so that we can meet here and fall in love at dusk, whether it's a joke or not! 37. Stop! ! ! 38. I am born in wood and you are born in earth. Brother, you gave birth to me! 39. Oh my god, you scared me to death! 40. Where is Haiyan? Can you please have some snacks? 41. I’m worried, I’m vomiting milk! 42. The heaven is full, the earth is square, and the eyes are foreskin! 43. What are you doing? What are you doing? 44. Yes or no, I’ll give it to you. 45. I’m not a little old man, I’m a little hanging silk! 46. ??Almost put me on the wall as a mural. . 47. Look at your shame~ (sai three times) 48. Director! Just find one for me! 49.Why are you being fooled by me? Classic Philosophical Funny Quotations - Funny Quotations

When will the bright moon come? I asked my roommate for a drink. I wonder if the handsome guy next door has a girlfriend?

Although I am not very handsome, when I was a child, some people praised me for having an idol on the left side of my nostril.

Mom’s advice: Girl, you have to eat appropriately to lose weight!

Spring is the season when colds and emotions are most common. Some people accidentally catch a cold, while others accidentally fall in love. I belong to the former.

I was also an infatuated person, but it rained~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ and I drowned.

Money is not everything, sometimes it is necessary

I allow you to enter my world, but you will never be allowed to walk around in my world.

God, did you let summer and winter live together? ! What a hell of a weather!

Big birds can be found in any forest!

Don’t be afraid of enemies who are like tigers, but be afraid of teammates who are like pigs.

Summer is just not good. When I was poor, I didn’t even have to drink the northwest wind...

It’s up to you!

Don’t come to me if you have nothing to do, and don’t come to me if something happens.

Do you think I will watch you die? I'll close my eyes.

The reason why angels can fly is because they take themselves very lightly...

I want to fall in love early, but it is too late...

Please Don’t speak English in front of me in the future, okay?

I hope that one day I can double-click my wallet with the mouse, then select a hundred dollar bill, press "CTRLC". Then keep "CTRLV"

I am a lonely tree The tree has been standing by the roadside for thousands of years, waiting lonely, just for one day when you walk by me, I will fall for you. If I can’t smash you, my life will be in vain.

If you love me, please raise your hands; if you don’t love me, please stand on your head.

Never hang yourself from a tree. You can try it several times on the surrounding trees.

Don’t set your bank card password to your girlfriend’s birthday, otherwise it will be a lot of trouble to change it.

The happiest thing: sleeping until you wake up naturally. Counting money makes my hands cramp. The saddest thing: sleeping until my hands cramp, counting money until I wake up naturally.

Money can buy a house but not a home, it can buy a marriage but not love, it can buy a clock but not time. Money is not everything, but the source of pain.

Everyone wants to be different from others, but the result is that everyone is the same.

When we are young, we often make faces in the mirror. When we are old, the mirror is even.

A gentleman pretends to be dead to be a confidant, and a woman undergoes plastic surgery to please someone who pleases her.

If being rich is also a mistake, I would rather make the same mistake again and again.

People are afraid of being famous and pigs are afraid of being strong, men are afraid of being poor and women are afraid of being fat.

The effect of contraception: If it fails, you will become a 'person'.

Asking you how much sorrow you can have is like a group of eunuchs going to a brothel.

Sleep is an art – no one can stop me from pursuing art.

If marriage is the tomb of love, then I expect someone to bury me.

I am not a casual person. When I am casual, I am not a human being.

To be a human being, you have to be a person who hovers between cow A and cow C.

How many thoughts do you have? As far as you can, roll as far as you can

Lie down wherever you fall

Pregnancy is like pregnancy, it takes a long time for people to see it.

Lovers will eventually get married

Your ugliness has nothing to do with your face...

If a tree doesn’t want its bark, it will definitely die; if a person doesn’t have a face, it will be invincible.

When I give birth to a son in the future, I want to name him "So Handsome." Then when people see me, they will say, "What a handsome dad."

Work, take a step back, the sky is brighter, love, The highest level of work is to watch others go to work and receive other people's wages.

Money is not the problem, the problem is lack of money!

When I was drunk, I refused to accept anyone, so I would hold on to the wall.

I was like a fly lying on the glass, with a bright future but no way out.

Sir, do you know? The second brother's meat is now more expensive than the master's.

If eating more fish can replenish the brain and make people smarter, then you have to eat at least a pair of whales...

Water If you are extremely pure, there will be no fish; if you are extremely humble, you will be invincible.

Youth is like toilet paper, you may have a lot of it, but once you use it, it won’t be enough.

Friends around me, please become famous quickly, so that my memoirs can Bestseller

A female classmate was too dark, and her boyfriend was too fair. One day in the dormitory, the venomous diva suddenly said to her: "You can't do this, you will give birth to zebras."

I have always regarded handsome men and money as dirt, and they have always regarded me this way

Don’t compare yourself to me, I am too lazy to compare with you

God Said, there must be light, I said I objected, and from then on there was darkness in the world

My big name is God, my nickname is Jesus, my English name is God, my dharma name is Tathagata...

The three punches from the farmer are a bit painful

In fact, I have always been very popular: when I was a child, everyone loved me, but now I am loved by bitches

I am not afraid of enemies like tigers. I'm afraid of teammates who are like pigs

Go your own way and let others take a taxi (Go other people's way and let others get desperate

Rats carry knives and look for cats all over the street

As long as you work hard and poop carefully

Who is the fastest? It’s Cao Cao (not Liu Xiang) because Cao Cao is the only one who can do it at the train station. Only when there is a long queue can you truly realize that you are a "descendant of the dragon".

Spring is here, and a group of geese are flying north, sometimes forming a B-shape, and sometimes a T-shape.

If the tiger doesn’t show off its power, you think I’m HELLOKITTY!

The donkey is going too far

The highest level of self-service: support the wall to get in, support the wall to get out. >

I have no money and no power. If I don’t treat you well, can you come with me?

Take a newspaper to the toilet. I am a scholar.

Search Google and Baidu. .

Women must be kind to themselves. Once you are exhausted, there will be other women spending your money, staying in your room, sleeping with your husband, and beating your children!

Grandpas have come from grandsons...

Get out of here as far as your thoughts go!

It’s been a long time since anyone has made cowhide so fresh. Out of the ordinary!

Boss, is money really that important to you? After talking for more than three hours, you still didn’t get a penny.

When I woke up, my god It's all bad.

If I were to become the HR manager, the first thing I would do is to promote myself to be the boss.

I spend all my time losing weight every day, and you still accuse me. Don’t have perseverance?

I won’t tell you even if I kill you

Problems that can be solved by money are not problems

After studying for more than ten years, I think. It sounds like it’s easier to get along in kindergarten!

You even believe the advertisements. Are you stupid by reading?

How can you have the energy to lose weight if you don’t eat enough?

The early bird catches the worm, and the early bird catches the worm.

Oh my god, my clothes have lost weight again!

Water can carry a boat and cook porridge.

Buying a computer but not having broadband is like having all the food and wine prepared but becoming a monk before eating.

There is an old legend - those who can see beautiful women on XX campus will live forever.

Life is easy; life is easy; life is not easy.

My name on my girlfriend’s mobile phone is “him”. After we broke up, I became “it”.

I am different from you because I am human.

I drink only pure water and only pure milk, so I am very simple.

When God gives us youth, he also gives us acne.

When problems arise, first look for the cause within yourself. Don’t blame the earth’s lack of gravity for constipation.

Boys must be poor, otherwise they will not know how to struggle; girls must be rich, otherwise they will coax them away with a piece of cake.

Destiny is responsible for shuffling the cards, but it is ourselves who play the cards!

Loving others is a kind of helplessness, being loved is a kind of posture, waiting for love is a kind of expectation, and being without love is a kind of ability.

The beauty of a woman lies in her stupidity without regrets, and the beauty of a man lies in her ability to tell lies in daylight.