There are a lot of jokes, don’t laugh too hard. One day, there was a gummy walking on the street.

As she was walking, she suddenly said: "Ah! My legs are so weak!"

Once upon a time, there was a person named Yu.

One day he When I was hungry,

I ate myself....

A classmate named Xiao Cai was walking on the road when he was suddenly picked up...

There was a Mr. Banana who was on a date with his girlfriend. They were walking on the street. It was very hot, so Mr. Banana took off his clothes, and then his girlfriend fell down

One day A polar bear and a penguin were playing together. The penguin pulled out the hairs on his body one by one. After pulling out, he said to the polar bear: "It's so cold!"

The polar bear listened and also He pulled out the hairs on his body one by one, turned to the penguin and said, "It's really cold!"

One day, Mung Bean committed suicide by jumping off the fifth floor. He bled a lot and became It turned into red beans; the pus kept flowing, and turned into soybeans; the wound became scarred, and finally turned into black beans.

One day, while Dousha Bao was walking on the road, he suddenly got into a car accident and his belly was broken. Before he died, he looked at his belly and said: "Oh, it turns out I am Dousha Bao." ”

Suddenly, Matchstick felt his head itch, so he stretched out his hand to scratch it, and he burned himself to death while scratching it.

Xiao Ming got a new haircut. When he came to school the next day, his classmates saw his new hairstyle and laughed: Xiao Ming, your hair is shaped like a kite! Xiao Ming felt aggrieved and ran outside to cry. As he cried, he flew up...

Once upon a time there was a bird

He would pass by a cornfield every day

But unfortunately

One day there was a fire in the corn field

All the corn turned into popcorn

After the bird flew over...

I thought it was snowing, so I was so cold...

There was a guy who looked like an onion, and he cried when he walked...

Little penguin One day he asked his grandma, "Grandma, grandma, am I a penguin?" "Yes, of course you are a penguin." The little penguin asked his father again, "Dad, daddy, am I a penguin?" "Yes. Ah, you are a penguin, what's wrong?" "But, why do I feel so cold?"

There is a hide-and-seek club, and their leader has not been found yet.

On the plane, a stewardess asked a little girl: "Why does the plane fly so high without hitting the stars?"

The little girl replied: "I know, because the stars will" Flash'ah! "

A pair of corns fell in love

So they decided to get married

On the wedding day

One corn could not find the other A corn

The corn asked the popcorn next to him: Have you seen our corn?

Popcorn: Honey, is she wearing a wedding dress?

One day, a medium-rare steak was walking on the street, and suddenly he saw a medium-rare steak in front of him. Steak, but ignored him

Ask: Why didn’t they say hello?

Answer: Because they were unfamiliar with...

Excuse me:

Who is Mi's mother?

——It’s a flower because of “peanuts”.

Who is Mi’s father?

——It is a butterfly, and the country is "Butterfly Loves Flowers".

Who is Mi’s grandmother?

——It is a wonderful pen, because "a wonderful pen produces flowers".

There was a fat man...

Jumped from a tall building...

The result became... ..

Damn Fatty..

One day a green apple went shopping and suddenly saw a red apple, so he said to the red apple...

You have a crush on me, otherwise why would you be blushing...

In music class, the teacher played a piece by Beethoven

Xiao Ming asked Xiao Hua: "Do you know music? "

Xiaohua: "Yes"

Xiaoming: "Then do you know what the teacher is playing?"

Xiaohua: "Piano. ”

Xiaohong asked: When stirring coffee, do you use your right hand or your left hand

Xiaomei said: Right hand

Xiaohong said: Oh, you are so awesome. , are not afraid of being burned, like I use a spoon.

Little A said to little B: Digging...it’s raining outside! ! Did you see it?

Little B was very excited: Yes, I saw you

Xiao Ming has been begging his mother to let him become an artist.

My mother said, "At your age We're still young, let's talk about it later." Xiao Ming didn't give up and kept begging his mother.

Finally, his mother couldn't bear it anymore and said: "We are born red beans and it is impossible to become artists. (Ji Ren) Give up!

The little snake asked the big snake in a panic..."Brother, are we poisonous?" The big snake said: "Why do you ask?" The little snake said, "I accidentally bit my tongue just now." ”

Once upon a time, Tomato A and Tomato B went shopping together

Then one day suddenly a truck rushed out

Pushing Tomato A over

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Tomato B pointed at Tomato A and laughed

[Ha. Ha. Ha. Ketchup~]

Chocolate and tomatoes fought, and chocolate won.

Why?

Because of the chocolate bar~

The tortoise and the hare race... The hare quickly ran to the front..

The turtle saw a snail crawling very slowly... and said to him: Come up, I will carry you...

Then... the snail came up...

After a while, the turtle saw another ant and said to him: Come up too.

So the ant came up too.

After the ant came up. .Seeing the snail above, I said "Hello" to him

Do you know what the snail said?

The snail said: Hold on tight, this turtle is so fast. ..

Someone looks like a sweet potato and fell down while walking..

Do you know why penguins live in Antarctica?

Because it’s there? It's colder...

Two people fell into a trap. The dead are called dead people, and what are the living people called?

A: Call for help!

Xiao Ming said: "Akang, let me ask you, "A shark ate a mung bean, and what did it become?"

Akang said: "I don't know, what is the answer? "

Xiao Ming said: "The answer is "mung bean paste (mung bean shark)", you are very stupid!"

Q: A rabbit and a very fast one Tortoise race, guess who wins?

A: Rabbit~~

Q: Wrong~! It’s the tortoise. It was said earlier that it was a tortoise that ran very fast. It ran very fast~~

Q: The rabbit was unwilling to give in and raced with a tortoise wearing sunglasses again. Who is this time? Win pull?

A: Yes. .

Rabbit Bar

Q: Wrong~~! That turtle took off his sunglasses, too! It’s that fast turtle again ^O^

A man and a woman are having dinner

The girl keeps asking the boy: Do you love me?

The boy glanced at the girl and continued to eat dinner

The girl was very angry and asked again: Do you love me?

The boy finally said: Yes

The girl asked again: How do you prove it?

Suddenly the boy took thirty yuan out of his pocket,

Ask the girl: Do you have ten yuan?

The girl took ten yuan and gave it to the boy...

The boy put forty yuan on the table

After a while...

The girl asked the boy angrily: Do you want to prove that you love me?

The boy said that I have already proved it!!!

Smart student

In the physics class, the teacher was talking about vibration and vibration. In order to let the students understand, the teacher asked: "What will happen if I throw a stone at the fish pond?" The students answered in unison. : "Fine 5 yuan!"

Drop out of school

Teacher: "You have just finished your first half of high school, why did you drop out of school?"

Student: "Because of consideration My current academic level has surpassed that of Mr. Hua Luogeng, and I no longer need to go to school."

Xu Ziziyan

One day, the teacher taught "The Analects of Confucius" to Li Gang and Wei Li. When talking about the sentence "Confucius said: Isn't it a pleasure to learn and practice from time to time?", the teacher explained: "Confucius, Confucius; said, study; study, and, the empty word; time, often, practice "Review; zhi" is a virtual word; "joy" is a virtual word; "hu" is a virtual word." After speaking, the teacher asked: "Do you understand it?" "I understand!" Li Gang and Wei Liqi. answered in a voice.

The teacher was very happy after hearing this, and said to Li Gang: "Then you can talk about it again."

Li Gang stood up, shook his body and preached: "Confucius said, learn to be imaginary. Words, always review virtual words, virtual words, virtual words, happy words!"

Wu Zetian is a great mathematician

History teacher: "Do you know who Wu Zetian is? ?”

Student: “Wu Zetian is a mathematician. He is the great mathematician who invented rounding.”

That’s right

The teacher pointed to the word "confused" written on the blackboard and said, "Classmate Han Wei, please tell me the meaning of this idiom."

Han Wei stood up, pushed up his highly myopic glasses on the bridge of his nose, looked at the blackboard carefully for a while, and said helplessly: "I can't see clearly." ”

Teacher: “Han Wei is right, please sit down.” "

Pictures and Belly

A kindergarten teacher spoke Mandarin, but her pronunciation was not accurate. During class, she took out a picture and said: "Children, take the picture given to you. come out. "

The children misunderstood "picture" as "belly", and lifted up their clothes one by one to reveal their bellies.

The teacher asked: "What is on this picture?" ”

The children responded in unison: “Belly button.” "

The motivation of giving up the pear

In a Chinese class in a primary school, the teacher told the story "Kong Rong gave up the pear", and then asked the students to write down Kong Rong's motivation for giving up the pear.

In the answer sheet submitted, the answers can be divided into four categories:

1. The pear is rotten;

2. Kong Rong had a toothache at that time;

3. This will make the person holding the pear help him with his homework;

4. In order to become famous, the teacher is disappointed.

Tiaohu Lishan

Teacher: "What is 'Tiaohu Lishan'?" ”

Student: “For example, during an exam, the principal suddenly calls the teacher out of the classroom. This is called ‘moving the tiger away from the mountain’. ”

Test question

Fill in the blank: Wring out the ink

Students answered like this:

A: Wring out the ink.

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B: Wring out the milk.

C: Wring out the juice.

Ding: Wring out the soup.

Teacher’s comment: racking one’s brains did not result in racking one’s brains.

Children’s Truth

A young teacher had just finished telling the story of a sheep to a little boy in her class, saying that a sheep was eaten by a wolf because it left the flock. .

"You see," she said, "If this sheep is honest and doesn't leave the flock, it won't be eaten by the wolf, right?"

"Yes. , teacher." The little boy replied: "But it will be eaten by us later."

Arithmetic is worse

Teacher: "You have too few marks for calligraphy." I asked you to write 100 pieces, but you only wrote 75. "It shows that my arithmetic is even worse."

Banana peel

Mathematics teacher: "There were three children who wanted to eat a banana. In the end, it was shared by two children. Do you know what the remaining child got?"

Student : "There is..."

Teacher was surprised: "What is there?"

Student: "Banana peel."

Exercise questions

Student: "I have done this question 6 times."

Teacher: "Great."

Student: "Here are the 6 answers."

Scare the birds away

Ming Zheng is a naughty child. He was most afraid of drawing pictures, especially birds. One day, the drawing teacher drew a bird standing on a branch on the blackboard and made a specimen for the students. Mingzheng painted left and right, but it didn't look like his old paintings. When he saw that his classmates had all handed in their papers, he also handed them over in a daze. When the drawing teacher saw his painting, he slapped his pointer on the podium and said, "Where did the bird you painted go?" Ming Zheng quickly replied: "I was scared away by your pointer."

The Story of Cockroach

One of my classmates was named Zhang. One day he was alone with a girl he had admired for a long time. The two were eating snacks and chatting. Suddenly, the girl called out " Zhang Lang", he almost fainted with happiness.

I woke up very quickly from my sweet dream. What the girl said was that there was half a cockroach on the biscuit he was holding!

Arithmetic is even worse

Teacher: "Your score for calligraphy is too low. I asked you to write 100 pieces, but you only wrote 75."

Student: "It shows that my arithmetic is even worse."

Banana peel

Mathematics teacher: "There are three children trying to eat a banana. As a result, 2 The children grabbed it and shared it. Do you know what the remaining child got?"

Student: "There is..."

The teacher was surprised: "What?"

Student: "Banana peel."

Exercise questions

Student: "I have done this question 6 times."

Teacher: "Great."

Student: "Here are 6 answers."

Scare the birds away

Ming Zheng is a naughty child . He was most afraid of drawing pictures, especially birds. One day, the drawing teacher drew a bird standing on a branch on the blackboard and made a specimen for the students. Mingzheng painted left and right, but it didn't look like his old paintings. When he saw that his classmates had all handed in their papers, he also handed them over in a daze. When the drawing teacher saw his painting, he slapped his pointer on the podium and said, "Where did the bird you painted go?" Ming Zheng quickly replied: "I was scared away by your pointer."

The Story of Cockroach

One of my classmates was named Zhang. One day he was alone with a girl he had admired for a long time. The two of them were eating snacks and chatting. Suddenly, the girl called out " Zhang Lang", he almost fainted with happiness.

I woke up quickly from my sweet dream. What the girl said was that there was half a cockroach on the biscuit he was holding!

Succinct and to the point

My middle school classmate is famous for his concise and to the point. One day there was a group meeting in the class, which was unbearably long.

Finally, everyone was asked for their opinion. When asked, he replied: "I feel like peeing."

Students from the Department of Fossil Geology were doing field practice, and one student happened to find a large piece of fossil.

Lecturer A said it was a tree fossil, while Lecturer B insisted it was a dinosaur leg bone. Both sides argued endlessly. The students didn't know who was right, but they knew that both lecturers were going to grade their internship reports, so a smart classmate wrote on the report that what he found was the wooden legs of a dinosaur.

Electric shock

In the medical class, the male student asked: "How can I move your heart?"

Female student: "Didn't the teacher teach you this?" Do you want to use electric shock?"

Learn and apply it

In a law school in the United States, one day I was taking a test on criminal law.

The first question the professor asked the students was: "What is fraud?"

A student replied: "If you don't let me pass the exam, I will commit fraud. "

The professor was very surprised: "How do you explain this problem?"

"According to the criminal law, anyone who takes advantage of others' ignorance and causes them to suffer losses is guilty of fraud."

Sir

Son: "Today the teacher taught us to say, yes, sir," and "no, sir."

Father: "Have you learned it?" ?"

Son: "No, sir."

Father: "Don't call me sir."

Son: "Yes, sir."

Answer

During the exam, one of the questions was: Who was Lu Xun?

A careless student did not review carefully before the exam. He misunderstood the word "tree" in Lu Xun's original name "Zhou Shuren".

So he answered: Lu Xun is Zhou Shuren. Village people.

The exam is over

Wang You’s final exam results were not satisfactory. So I sent a telegram to my brother, asking my father to be mentally prepared.

Soon the younger brother called back: "Father is ready. Now please be mentally prepared."

Eliminate the discord

A certain school launched a family-related issue Discussion class.

In a classroom, the teacher asked the students: "What do you think is the best way to eliminate the discord between parents and students?"

A classmate stood up boldly , said to the teacher: "The best way is: you fill in all 5 points on my academic report card."

Who burned Yuan Mingyuan

Teacher Ask Xiaoqiang: "Who burned the Yuanmingyuan?"

Xiaoqiang said aggrievedly: "Teacher, no, no, I didn't burn it."

"What? You You, you. Call your dad," the teacher said angrily.

After school, Xiaoqiang’s father came, and the teacher said to him: “Today I asked your son who burned Yuan Mingyuan, and he actually said he didn’t burn it. Isn’t this ridiculous?”

Xiaoqiang's father blinked and said hesitantly: "Teacher, it's really... not him. Burn, our children will not do this."

"Otherwise... ..., let's... compensate, okay?"

The Pig Killer

Jia Sheng is a diligent and studious student who works part-time during the winter and summer vacations to earn tuition. During the day, he cut meat for a butcher, and at night he worked in the hospital.

One night, an old woman needed surgery due to emergency, and the surgeon pushed her into the operating room on a gurney. The old woman glanced at Jiasheng and suddenly shouted in panic: "Oh my God! You are the pig killer, where are you going to push me?"

Stand up

A class monitor fell asleep in class and asked his classmates to call him after class. The classmate pranked him, A: "Get up, get out of class is over!"

The monitor rubbed his eyes: "Stand up!"

At this time, I saw A dozen classmates stood up sleepily and said: "Thank you, teacher!"

Vending machine fun facts

I have passed the final exam, and I always stay up late at night and go to bed late. I am hungry, of course. Eating instant noodles is the most convenient...

There is an instant noodle vending machine in the dormitory. I was thinking about which one is better, "Rou Soup Noodles" or "Sesame Oil Chicken Noodles". After thinking about it, I just pressed the button on both. , see which one falls! As a result, what came out was:

“Black pepper beef noodles.

”

Geography test

During the geography test, the teacher asked students to briefly describe the following places: Arabia, Singapore, the Cape of Good Hope, Rome, Nagoya, and Macau.

Among them, Xiao Ming Write like this: Once upon a time, there was an old father-in-law, everyone called him Arabia. One day he went out to climb mountains. When he climbed to Singapore, he suddenly saw a Rome with a Cape of Good Hope on its head rushing towards him. He was so frightened that he ran into Nagoya and hurriedly Close Macau.

The King of Beasts

“Students, who is the King of Beasts? "The teacher asked. "Zoo Director. "Little John answered.

Answer

In the English class, the teacher was talking about the differences between Chinese and Western languages.

A student raised his hand and asked: "Teacher, "dumplings" How do you say "in English?" The teacher had a sullen look on his face and shouted: "Extremely ignorant!" British people don’t eat dumplings! "

Can't find

"Teacher, have you ever told us about the "Taiping Heavenly Kingdom"? "Yes, I have." "

"Then why can't I find it on the map? ”

How do Tsinghua students get 100 points with a blank paper?

In the final exam, a Tsinghua boy was faced with a very difficult physics question given by Professor Yang Zhenning. He had no idea how to start, so he walked straight to the podium. , said to the invigilator Yang Zhenning! "I really can't answer the questions you asked, but if I ask you a question, you may not be able to answer it either. If you can't answer my question, can you give me 100 points? ”

Zhen Ning Yang touched his beardless chin and thought, how difficult a question can you, a Tsinghua idiot who hangs out with college girls all day long, make it so difficult for you to defeat me? I have to He’s a Nobel Prize winner! So he replied: “Okay! "

A boy from Tsinghua University said: "What is legal but unreasonable?

What is reasonable but illegal? What is neither reasonable nor legal? Parentheses: These three things are intrinsically related."

Professor Yang really couldn't figure it out, so he happily scored 100 points on the white paper and asked for the answer

The Tsinghua boy said: "You Now that I’ve scored it, I’ll tell you. "

"Your 82-year-old man married a 28-year-old young wife. This is legal but unreasonable. "

"Your young and beautiful wife has found another young student outside. This is reasonable but illegal. "

At this time, Yang Zhenning's yellow face turned blue with anger, and he said angrily:

"Then what do you think is neither reasonable nor legal? "

………………

The student said proudly: "You just gave a perfect score on the white paper of your newly married young wife's young lover. This matter , neither reasonable nor legal. "Dear wife:

How are you at your parents' home?

It has been 38 hours and 37 minutes since we were upset until now, which is the longest time in your history of running away. The highest record is still 4 hours and 21 minutes away. I know you are waiting for me to come and apologize to you, and I am ready to do so, but I hope you can persist and set a new high in your history of running away!

I'm fine at home, please don't worry about me. Although you took your bankbook with you, you don't have to worry about my financial resources, because I still have an additional credit card, which is convenient for me to use. I have bought five shirts, seven pairs of underwear and twelve pairs of socks. I estimate that I can wear one set every day until you come back. A famous brand is a famous brand, although it is a bit expensive...

You don’t have to worry about my food. I’m worried, I’ve already tried the food at Qi~’s newly opened restaurant; Hairtail, Ma Gan, and Zhu Tousan. They are afraid that I will be alone, so they stay with me every day, but they try their best to order good food and wine, but I can’t help it. , you know I want to save face. What bothers me the most is the new woman who has moved in across the street. She comes here almost every day to borrow jealousy and so on. But don’t worry, I will never make a mistake. You have to be right in this regard. I am confident. As for the flowers and plants at home, I want them to adapt to the desert environment early and never water them. This is conducive to the evolution of their species. By the way, our Mimi will accompany you back to your parents' home. Is it? I haven’t seen it for two days.

You don’t have to worry about my two lovely brothers-in-law coming to me on impulse and doing something irrational. Yesterday I treated them to a rough fuck and told them about our relationship. After hearing this, they held my hand and cried and said: "Brother-in-law, I have really suffered for you!"

I will pick you up and apologize to you, but you can rest assured at your parents' home. It doesn't matter if you live on the ground for a while or "go home often", the elderly also need you.

Another: If you don’t come back tomorrow, Bingbing invites me to eat pizza and I will go. Anyway, I am idle, and it is not good to always refuse others. After all, we are colleagues in the same company.

Goodbye!

Your dear husband.

Dear husband:

Thank you for your letter!

Everything is fine at my parents’ house, so there is no need to worry. I forgot to tell you, the deposit in the passbook has been transferred to my account. Originally, I was a little worried about your financial situation, but since you can make a comfortable living by overdrafting your credit card, there is no need for me to worry.

Also, I would like to give you a kind reminder. There are 2 packs of instant noodles at the bottom of the kitchen cupboard at home. Although you are eating well now, I am still a little worried. You will need them when Rod, Zhutou San and others are too busy to meet each other.

Say hello to my new neighbor across the door for me. The house loan will be due at the end of the month, and you will have to say goodbye to your new friend! By the way, you must not water the flowers at home. I plant cactus. Mimi and I are together. The pest killer at home has long been used up. Now you and Xiaoqiang must be looking at each other.

Of course my two lovely brothers will not cause you any trouble. They have been trying to persuade me to divorce and find a capable man.

Now I feel that it feels so good to go home. I don’t have to work so hard every day to wash and cook. I can go shopping freely. I’m so happy!

I wish you a good time playing with Bingbing tomorrow. I also heard that Bingbing’s new boyfriend is a boxing coach at the Sports Academy. I don’t know if it’s true or not. You know I’m not that gossipy!

Goodbye!

Your dear wife. One day, three ghosts met God while shopping. God said that heaven was full and could not enter, and asked them to tell each other how they died.

Ghost A said: It’s hard for me to die. In my previous life, I was a high-rise cleaner (the kind who hangs outside a high-rise building to clean windows). Although my family was poor, I lived a happy life. One day I was cleaning the windows outside, and the safety belt accidentally broke. I fell down from the 18th floor. I thought I was dead this time, but the human desire for survival made me hold on to the balcony on the third floor. I thought I could survive this time. I was saved, but I didn’t know that at this moment, a man ran up from the third floor with a flower pot on the balcony and smashed my hand. I fell again. I should not have died. I fell to the tent below and survived. I was on the third floor when I was lucky. Another person dropped a refrigerator and killed me

Ghost B said: You are pretty good. I was a clerk when I was alive. I was good at everything, but my wife was a little dishonest. I saw her when I got home one day. My wife's hair was disheveled, so she knew something was wrong. At this time, I saw a hand on the balcony, and I immediately realized it! He picked up the vase and smashed it! The guy fell down, and just when I was feeling lucky, I saw the guy fall onto the tent below! Not dead! ? Without saying a word, I picked up the refrigerator and smashed it down! That guy died instantly! As a result, I was laughed so hard that I had a myocardial infarction! Laughing like crazy!

Ghost C said: Humph! What do you mean? My elder was just a little gangster and everything was fine. One day I went to the house of a female friend of mine. I didn’t know that her husband would come back at this time. She quickly asked me to hide in the refrigerator, but after that After a while, I didn’t know how his husband knew that I was hiding in the refrigerator. As a result, I was thrown down the stairs with the refrigerator!

The three ghosts looked at each other and said nothing...