1, "Honey, I feel so fat and want to lose weight." "If you don't lose weight, now you are ugly and fat." 2. The husband saw the clothes in the closet and said to his wife, "Women are animals who love the new and hate the old." The wife immediately retorted: "Who said that, we are also very nostalgic." The husband asked, "What do you miss?" The wife said, "Age!" 3. A boyfriend and girlfriend fell in love while sitting on a park bench. Women suddenly want to fart. Say to the man: I am a cereal bird, do you listen to it? This man is really willing to listen. So, under the cover of the birdsong of "cuckoo cuckoo", the woman happily farted. W: Does it sound like a cuckoo? Man: What a fart! I didn't catch it! 4. Just seeing the classmate's help, Weibo growled: Help me see what to do if my hand is stuck by 502! The middle finger and thumb are glued together, and I am Guanyin now! 5. The painter Xu Beihong is famous for drawing horses. The horses in his works are vigorous and powerful, with different postures, or galloping, or looking back and screaming, or flying in the air. With the maturity of the creative stage, his later works are mainly pastoral, villagers and children, and there is no trace of horses, because he finally realized the artistic essence of "no horse is king". 6. When attending a friend's wedding, the groom said affectionately to his parents-in-law: Mom and Dad, don't worry, I will treat her well and take care of her like a brother and sister. 7. Several monks are responsible for cleaning the clothes of the whole Shaolin Temple. The abbot often says to them, "As long as you are willing to work hard, the laundry room can be overhauled." The other monks were getting tired, only the young monk Feng Ming remembered the abbot's instruction and carefully cleaned every piece of clothes. Finally, one day, things were troubled and the abbot promoted him to the deacon of the First Hospital. Feng Ming found some long hairs in the abbot's cassock. 8. My wife said to me, "Who said,' Is yours mine, mine or mine?' This is simply a contempt for family harmony. Dear, please rest assured that in our family, there is no Wu Zetian or Empress Dowager Cixi, and we will always be equal: the housework is yours and the TV remote control is mine; The loan card is yours and the salary card is mine ... "9. Wife: What if we all die and go to hell? Husband: I will pray to God that you will go to heaven. I'm alone in hell! Wife: You have a conscience! Husband: I'm afraid we're all in hell and married. For me, that's the real hell. Coax your girlfriend's happy jokes 2. Coax your girlfriend's sweet words 1, where are you, where is your home. 2. Loving you is a kind of happiness, thinking of you is a kind of happiness, waiting for you is a kind of test, thinking of you is a habit, loving you is a kind of treasure, kissing you is a kind of tenderness, looking at you is a kind of enjoyment, hugging you is a kind of romance, and you are really happy! 3, look at your eyes, as if accustomed to you love me, accustomed to you spoil me, accustomed to everything you pay. Emotion is a burden that I can't bear. Love words are just occasional lies. I began to like the most boring love words between lovers. 6, you are the treasure in my palm, never worry; You are my heart, and the world is full of laughter with you; You are my happy jujube, and only you have sweetness. I only want to grow old with you in this life! 7. When a person falls in love with you, there will be uncontrollable happiness and sweetness in his eyes. And when a person hates you, there will be all kinds of impatience and escape in his eyes. So don't listen to what others say about love and not love. People are always lying. Be sure to look into his eyes and see his subtle expression. Always remember that only attitude is not a lie. 8. annoying people. Hating someone needs more emotion than loving someone. 9. I want to lie in your arms again, I want you to dry my tears, I want you to hold me tight, I want to kiss your face again, I want you to say you love me! 10, your smile is like spring breeze, sweeping away all my troubles; Your gentleness is like water, washing away all my troubles; It is raining in the sky, and those who are dirty are blessed and share difficulties; Nowadays, the house is too expensive to buy. Is naked marriage okay? 1 1, the most painful thing in life is that people who love each other still love each other, but they can never return to the place before and when they came. The pain left in my heart, only the fragments left in my memory, warmed the days after I left. 12, Laba is here, I'll give you a box of Laba candy: happiness, happiness, romance, sweetness, auspiciousness, health, luck and wealth. I wish you a happy Laba Festival! 13. Love is a piece of candy. It will melt in your mouth, but it will leave a sweet taste. It is a cup of coffee, bitter but intriguing, and also a poem, but it feels beautiful when you don't understand it. Dear, I will love you all my life! Only you know my emotions and only you can bring them to me. 15, the first love is as short as the morning glow, and it will be fleeting without a good taste; Belated love laments like a sunset, and disappears before it can be appreciated; Only the afternoon sunshine is the brightest, just like passionate love, always beautiful! what are you reading? I'm talking about you, so don't hurry to cherish the good times and fall in love! 16, ten women: What do you belong to? Man: It belongs to the sheep. Woman: No, it belongs to me. Sweet talk with your girlfriend 1. Please don't sweet talk to me when you miss her. Get on the last bus and leave this world with you. 3. Smile just to beat you back, and then fall in love with this country. 4. Think of him in the dead of night, the one who will tell heartbreaking love stories. I collected many love stories for him, but I didn't have a chance to tell them. I dare not say it, but I don't want to have no friends. It will not rain every day in the future, because every day with you will be sunny. . . 7. "May you be treated tenderly by the world, and may your love words finally be taken." 8. Love is happiness. So simple, so difficult ... 9. Sometimes, I wish I could grow up quickly, only to find that I lost my childhood. When I was single, I began to envy the sweetness of my lover. When I am in love, I miss the freedom when I am single. Many things always feel beautiful when we don't get them. Only after we get them, do we begin to understand: "What we get is also lost." 10, sweet nothings are too nice but too young. 1 1. If we are destined to pass each other in this life, I deeply wish you happiness forever. Then put away all your feelings and look forward to meeting you in the afterlife. 12, true love does not need to be vigorous, and vigorous love will not last long; True love does not need vows of eternal love, and vows of eternal love will not last forever; True love is actually dull, and dullness is the true love of a lifetime. 14 Valentine's Day, I just want to be with you and accompany you to live a dull, sweet and loving life. 13, love is a sad fairy tale, but it is far away and true. It is not painful to give up someone who loves you, but it is painful to give up someone you love. If time and space are not distances, if there is no chance to get together all the time, it will be undesirable; Don't care too much about everything, just let it be. 14, dear. Don't make me wait for him. I'll wait for you at grandma moon's house first. Come to me as soon as you fall asleep. I love you. Hehe 15. I'm not fragile. Why should I cry? Besides, it's no big deal ? 16, after your injury, Anna's colorful figure is more lovely, the smile on her face is sweeter, and we are wandering among the lush flowers; Playing by the river and the lake, I felt the time of the day in an instant. 17, I am ready for humanity. 18,2 The so-called love story means something you don't even believe yourself, but you want the other person to believe those funny jokes that trick your girlfriend. Three sentences to make your girlfriend happy (classic routine) 1. Talk to her. You don't know what makes your girlfriend unhappy when you see her sad face. Don't guess at random, and don't take her unhappiness seriously. Two people hold her hand tightly. Boy: "honey, tell me everything you are unhappy. I'm sorry to see you unhappy." Girl: "Barabara" Boy: "Honey, tell all these unhappiness, do you feel much better?" Girl: "Thank you, dear, this is more convincing." Second, spit with her. Sometimes, when a woman is angry, she doesn't want to find a solution to the problem, but wants to find someone to tell her. By sharing and talking, she can vent all her inner unhappiness. As a boyfriend, she can play the role of a good friend. From her point of view, she will vomit and complain with her, and the two will vent these unhappiness together. Girl: "It's really chilling to see Chen Yufan taking drugs. I have always been a fan of them, but now it is like this. " Boy: "Yes, I saw it on the news, too. It's really annoying You said you had to take drugs to get excited. " Girl: "I'm not in the mood at all now, so I can only listen to music to relieve boredom." Boy: "Really, it's a waste of time for us to be his fans for so many years." 3. Exaggerated praise of women is a vain species that loves beauty. When she is angry and unhappy, her brow will definitely look ugly. At this time, exaggerate her and let her know that she is angry and ugly. Let her know that unhappiness will accelerate aging, exaggeration can also play a humorous role, and instantly get rid of her eyebrows and get happy. Boy: "Who is this? Why do you look so unhappy? You frown, your eyes are wrinkled and your hair is gray. " Girl: "Ah? Really? I have to look in the mirror quickly. " Boy: "Go, go, go, go, my dear fairy is ugly." The girl kept smiling at once and went to the mirror. Fourth, romantic confession All women have a little princess in their hearts. They need their boyfriends' love and romance. They often express "love" to their girlfriends, say some romantic sweet words, and surround her unhappiness with romantic offensives. When women are often wrapped in the sweetness of love, they will not be unhappy because of some trivial things. Boy: "honey, I don't know what happened." I think I love you more and more, and I can't live without you every day. " Girl: "Really?" Boy: "You are my little princess, and I will spoil and love you forever." The girl's face is shy and sweet. Strong and positive women always need men to lead them actively. When their girlfriends are angry and unhappy, even if they say nice things, they might as well take action to implement them. For example, they can pull her into their arms, bully her against the wall, melt her with warm arms and give her the warmest love. This small program is very effective at any time. Sixth, take the baby to spend "buy buy to buy". When you are unhappy, spending money is the best way to vent. When your girlfriend is unhappy, you can hold her hand to go shopping, take her to the snack bar to eat all her favorite snacks and take her to eat an expensive meal. The ultimate trick is to help her empty her shopping cart (of course, this should be based on personal permission).