I saw the last news in Weibo some time ago. In China Newsweek's collection of Reasons for Divorce after 100 90, we saw various "wonderful reasons for divorce":
Some people get divorced because their mother-in-law chewed up the rice and fed it to their children.
Some people can't eat together because they eat: "scrambled eggs with tomatoes should be sweetened, but soybean milk should not be sweet." How can I live without eating together? "
Some people throw smelly socks every day because of their husbands: "Taurus throws smelly socks every day, and my Virgo is so angry that my liver will explode!" " "
Also, because my wife can't understand his hobby: "My wife won't let me smoke and play games, so I can't understand men's interests and happiness."
The funniest thing is "I think I can find something better. I haven't given up on Eddie Peng Yuyan Swift!"
Everyone treats these as jokes.
Actually, this is not a joke at all.
On February 15, Zhejiang Higher People's Court released 20 18 Zhejiang Judicial Big Data on Divorce Disputes.
In 20 18, there were nearly 50,000 divorce disputes (49,804 cases) in the courts of the whole province. 34.2 1% people divorced because of trivial matters of life; There are also 30. 16% people divorced because of family separation. In addition, weak emotional foundation, domestic violence, personality differences, lack of communication and so on are all factors leading to divorce.
Cheating ranks second to last among all divorce reasons, accounting for only 2.5 1%.
The special report on judicial big data of divorce disputes in the first half of 20 18 released by the Supreme People's Court shows that:
20 16-20 17 among the divorce disputes concluded in the first instance in China, the period of marriage breakdown is high in 2-7 years after marriage, and the divorce rate reaches its peak in the third and fourth years after marriage.
The onset period of our "marriage itch" has been shortened from 7 years to 3 years.
Why is it reduced?
Because our tolerance for "trivial life" is decreasing.
Don't underestimate these "trivial things", it is these little things that make your marriage finally collapse.
Dr. John Goldman, a social psychologist at the University of Washington? My wife and I have studied intimate relationships for 40 years, and finally found the most critical factor that determines the quality of intimate relationships:
They found that even couples with good emotional foundation and strong relationship will still be easily defeated by one thing, that is, the triviality of daily life.
Second, where are the little things in marriage? If you can't do this, a 35-year-old man is the most dangerous!
Many people asked me in the consulting room: there is no principled problem between us. Why did he give up his marriage like this?
■? So what is the question of principle?
Domestic violence? Cheating?
In fact, the marriage of ordinary people is not so dramatic, and the real feelings actually die from these seemingly "small things".
I think there are no "small things" in marriage, and all the "small things" are just the tip of the iceberg behind the "big things".
Do you believe that such a trivial matter as going to the toilet can turn couples against each other?
In the novel "Gui Wang and Anna", there is such a plot:
Wang Gui is the Phoenix Man. Every time he returns to his hometown, King Gui and Anna have a big fight.
What Anna can't stand most is the custom of going to the toilet in Wang Gui's hometown-she asked her mother-in-law where the toilet is. Mother-in-law pointed out. Anna is crazy-Wang Gui's toilet is anywhere outside the house.
In order to reduce the frequency of going to the toilet, Anna always tries to eat and drink as little as possible, and sometimes she can't hold back.
Why did she put up with it? Not only because she loves Wang Gui, but what is the purpose of her saying this sentence? Nothing more than Wang Gui's words: wronged his wife! If it weren't for loving me, you wouldn't suffer.
If Wang Gui said this sentence, then Anna can bear it anyway. But she didn't expect that Wang Gui flew into a rage: he thought Anna was too delicate, the princess was ill, and he looked down on his parents.
Any contradiction between husband and wife has such characteristics: things start as "small things" and end up as "big things".
■? So, how to deal with it?
Three ways:
1.？ Stop it, stop arguing, it's no big deal, just make do.
2.？ I can't bear to argue until I get divorced.
3.？ Really solve the problem.
Many people say, hasn't Anna been to Wang Gui's house before?
Why didn't "going to the toilet" be a thing before? Now it is a "thing"
Anna may also have been wronged. When she first came to Guiwangjia, she complained about it. Wang Gui said, I'm sorry to make you suffer.
She is very useful.
But why didn't Wang Gui say anything after marriage?
That's because they are in different stages of love.
■? As we all know, emotion is divided into three stages:
The first stage: honeymoon-I think you are what I want.
At this time, because we live in fantasy, we mistakenly think that our partner is as perfect as we think. At this time, both sides will try their best to play the role of a perfect couple, and both sides still have a lot of tenderness, so Wang Gui can suppress his inner discomfort and coax Anna.
The second stage: the struggle period-I found that you are not what I want.
At this time, we still want to return to fantasy, so we ask the other party to do it according to my "design", so the two sides repeatedly conflict in order to change each other and become my ideal lover.
At this time, Wang Gui no longer regards Anna as an "outsider". He pretends to be a husband and thinks you are our "daughter-in-law", so he can't complain like his girlfriend before marriage. At this time, he can't stand it, because the role is different and the treatment is different.
The third stage: abandonment period or integration period: abandonment period is to shelve disputes and make do with life; The integration period is to find a way of life with the best of both worlds.
Later, Anna may not go back to her hometown with Wang Gui. In Gui Wang's heart, this has become a knot in my heart-what will my parents think if you don't give me face? What image will this make me in the eyes of relatives in my hometown?
This long-term accumulated hatred has become an untimely bomb of marriage. When the feelings of both sides are exhausted in this accumulated resentment, it is the volcanic eruption of the marriage crisis.
Most couples have experienced these three stages, but in the third stage, they live a life of giving up.
■? What is the result of making do?
If you feel tired, stop loving and eat up your emotional surplus, marriage will be in crisis.
Taking the data of 20 10 as an example, before the age of 35, the life expectancy of women in marriage is equivalent to that of men, even less than that of men. On the contrary, after the age of 35, the life expectancy of men in marriage is lower than that of women.
In other words, after the age of 35, it is a high incidence of divorce for men.
So we know that this so-called "love is patience" life is actually a kind of spiritual death, and something will happen sooner or later, and it is a major event.
Third, why can't we just solve the little things in marriage?
Some people may ask, why does "going to the toilet" lead to the breakdown of the marriage between King Gui and Anna? Why can't we solve such a small matter?
Because we all give these little things important meaning.
For example, in Anna's view, you should be sorry for what your daughter-in-law has done for you, and you should be grateful to me and make me feel psychologically balanced for what you have done. Your bad attitude at first-her judgment on this matter came out-shows that you don't love me at all. You only have parents in your heart. Without me, you are a baby boy. If you are so selfish, what shall I do with the rest of my life?
In Wang Gui's view: Do you think I am happy to drink with your father and listen to his bragging? You have no idea how hurtful your father is. If it weren't for your face, I would have left. So he also began to judge-is it so haggle over every ounce between husband and wife? Do you despise my family? Just like your father, he treats us like shit!
Did we see it?
Relationships, from small things to big things, will definitely go through such a process.
1.？ The demand is not met →2. Mutual evaluation and mutual darkness →3. The other party is doing the same thing →4. Further hack each other.
Therefore, the most terrible thing in marriage is "egocentricity".
We have two kinds of egoism.
A kind of egoism is called "ignoring" the differences between men and women.
A kind of "self-centeredness" is called "indifference" of primitive families.
For example, maybe Anna has an ideal husband in her heart: this husband can follow her emotions at any time, understand her difficulties, love her all her life, and she can be the little princess in his arms forever.
Gui Wang has an ideal wife in his heart: this wife is willing to sacrifice everything for him and try to help him when he is in trouble.
The marriage of the two of them comes from our setting of the roles of men and women in marriage for thousands of years:
1) Men are responsible for women.
2) Women should sacrifice for men.
Here, "responsibility" and "sacrifice" are natural. So far, we often see this kind of plot in various film and television dramas. Men become women's eternal protectors, while women are willing to give their lives for men.
But it is this setting that makes most marriages go to a dead end.
Because it's not human.
Human nature is selfish.
And we ask each other to give everything for ourselves, but we never think about it. Why do you want others to pay for you?
The "self-centeredness" in this kind of marriage is the fundamental reason why we never have a solution in our intimate relationship.
So what should we do?
Teach you a word:
When you think the other person is simply unreasonable, try to say to yourself:
If I feel this way, it must be because I still have too much ignorance about him.
Many people say that the ideal marriage is Jiang Yang and Qian Zhongshu.
During Qian Zhongshu's study tour in Britain and France, Jiang Yang dropped out of Tsinghua. In fact, both of them are pampered "life idiots", but Jiang Yang will take the initiative to learn to cook and do all the trivial things in life.
During his hospitalization in Jiang Yang, Qian Zhongshu's "single life" was miserable. When he goes to the hospital every day, he always says with a bitter face, "I did something bad."
Cooking ink stained the landlord's tablecloth. Jiang Yang said, it doesn't matter, I will wash it. ?
Break the lamp. Jiang Yang said, it doesn't matter, I'll fix it.
Breaking the door shaft won't close the door. Jiang Yang said, it doesn't matter, I'll pretend.
The average woman has long said: Are you a loser or a man?
Why didn't Jiang Yang lose his temper?
She can bear the trivial troubles of Qian Zhongshu's Life Idiot because
1.？ They have a greater spiritual connection, and the hard work she has to pay is really insignificant compared with the income in her feelings.
2.？ She didn't put it on her husband according to the usual "wedding design". She knew that Qian Wen was not the material. She accepted her husband's weakness. All she knows is that Qian Zhongshu tried his best.
This "troublemaker" who knows nothing later learned to make breakfast for Jiang Yang: make tea, warm milk, boil eggs, toast, and have breakfast with Jiang Yang after getting up.
This is a lifetime.
Remember reading a cartoon before, potatoes and tomatoes got married? Can we talk? Potatoes turn themselves into French fries, and tomatoes turn themselves into ketchup. It's a perfect match
Marriage is like this. We all have our own factory environment, but marriage gives us a chance to live more truly and freely.
Some people pursue fantasy all their lives, while others are willing to accept each other after the bubble bursts, because they know each other and love each other deeply.