Speaking, is a simple and complex thing.

Simple, because everyone can speak, open mouth can say; complex, because it is a social tool, speak in different ways, the social effect is very different.

We tend to respond to complexity with simplicity, thinking that as long as we express ourselves authentically and naturally, we can have good relationships, which is not the case. So much so that many people think they can't talk, have low emotional intelligence, and even develop a social fear.

I also tried to learn some speaking skills and found that there are many ways to do it, but most of them don't work. The reason is that each technique corresponds to a specific situation, and the real world is ever-changing. It's hard to call up the right technique in your head at the exact moment you're speaking.

So what to do? I've come to realize that there's no need to get hung up on the minutiae. In interpersonal communication, we only need to grasp a few major principles, and then we can become an accepted, popular conversationalist.

If you pay attention, you will find a phenomenon: Most people in the conversation, it is necessary to say "I".

While people do try to understand others, they usually subconsciously prioritize getting others to understand them, often rushing to say, "Yes, I know how you feel," just as soon as someone else's words leave their mouth. "I've had a similar experience, and I feel ......"

Although we are listening and are sure we have heard the other person's words, we are not projecting our full attention on the other person, but are constantly thinking, "What do I what to say next." Stephen Covey, in The Seven Habits of Highly Effective People, calls this phenomenon "autobiographical responding".

Bo Huang, a movie star with a reputation for "high emotional intelligence," once said that there is an infallible rule of interpersonal communication, which is to "give the superiority to others". Specifically how to let? The simplest, more say "you", less say "I" on it. Give space for others to fully express themselves, and it will be easy for them to see you as a confidant.

Similar questions are: Can you tell me more? What's your plan? How did you start? How did you do it? And so on. These questions that start with "you" will give the other person a great sense of satisfaction and help you open the door to a good relationship.

In the workplace, the phenomenon of "I will say I" is also very prominent. We often see such a person, no matter what to do a little something, have to show their own: you see that whoever is my recommendation, right? You see this thing without my advice can not do it? If I didn't call you, you wouldn't come, right? You see this thing is my organization it ......

More than a lot of business managers, meeting or discussion, others can not speak, only he is a person in saying. Things are done, is my leadership is good, is the result of my guidance.

The real pattern of leadership, know that "the work is done and do not live", although their own leadership, but to say: This is everyone's credit ah! The first thing you need to do is to make sure that you have a good understanding of what you are doing and how you are doing it. Such a leader, in order to make subordinates really convinced, so that the team more combat.

As early as a few thousand years ago, Lao Zi in the "Tao Te Ching" said : "inch and back feet, in order to retreat for progress, good at the bottom, can be on top." To speak without saying "I" is to be good at being humble, to elevate others, and to retreat in order to advance. This is not only a good principle of interpersonal communication, but also a wise philosophy of life.

The Center for Positive Psychology at Tsinghua University has done a big data study on the frequency of positive and negative expressions in 13 languages around the world, and found that over the past 200 years, the negative expressions in Chinese have been the most pronounced in the world.

Many language systems around the world have a positive tendency, meaning that there are more positive expressions than negative ones. But Chinese has a negative tendency: too many people are accustomed to communicating in language that judges, compares, commands, and accuses, as if this is the only way to make the other person understand and follow the rules.

For example, some bosses guide their work, like to pinpoint and sneer at their subordinates, making them feel frustrated; many parents educate their children, with one mouth full of criticism and accusations; some couples don't communicate much in normal times, and start attacking each other as soon as they do; and there are also a lot of people who are always complaining, like to curse, or bad-mouth others behind their backs, and see the darker side of the society. ......

People often belittle the words they say out loud: "I just have something to say, it shouldn't matter." What we don't realize is that every word is self-contained energy that will unconsciously affect a person's mood, mindset and destiny, including relationships.

To study the effect of language on people, a psychologist once recorded all the conversations at a meeting of 60 companies, of which one-third were doing great business, one-third were doing just fine, and the remaining one-third were on the verge of bankruptcy.

The psychologists then categorized each sentence in the meeting conversations of these companies by positive and negative words, and figured out the ratio of positive to negative.

It turned out that there was a clear dividing line - when the ratio of positive to negative words was greater than 2.9 1, the company flourished; when it was lower than that, the company did not do well. This ratio is named after its discoverer, Marcel Lozada, and is known as the "Lozada Ratio" .

Subsequently, some other psychologists used the same method to count the conversations of a number of couples over a given weekend. It turned out that if the ratio of positive words to negative words in the conversation was less than 2.9 1, it meant that the two were on the verge of divorce.

Negative language is a form of negative energy that is very destructive. As financial writer Shui Mu Ran said, "You think you are very straightforward, in fact, only to figure their own pain, reckless disregard for the feelings of the other party, is essentially selfish; you think in caring about others, in fact, do not understand the proportion, no sense of boundaries, is essentially offended; your so-called down to the bottom of the conclusion, but also often a tube in the panther, generalization, is essentially biased. "

Of course, not passing on negative energy doesn't mean you can't have an opinion. We just need to grasp one thing: more facts, less subjective judgment.

For example, if a parent sees that their child has made a mess in their room, they can say, "I was angry when I saw you piling your toys on the bed and throwing your socks on the floor." Instead of, "How many times have I told you to clean up your room, and why don't you ever change?"

Words like "often, always, never" carry the connotation of subjective judgment. When a boss says to an employee, "You've been late a lot lately, is something going on at home?" That's a judgmental sentence. The expression of truth should be, "On Monday and Wednesday, you were twenty minutes late to work. Is there something going on at home?"

If you use negative language in your communication, often confusing facts with judgment, it will only have the opposite effect, no matter how righteous your intentions are. So it's important to remember to never send negative energy, and to use positive, objective language whenever possible.

The third major principle in communication is two words: warmth.

If you think you don't have high emotional intelligence and can't speak, it's okay, you just need to remember one sentence: " Laxity is as if the ice will be released". This sentence is said by Lao Tzu, which means, when we speak to others, we should always give warmth to them, as if we want to melt the ice in their hearts a little bit.

There is a strange phenomenon in society: if you say something cold and hard, people will think it makes sense and is very "cool"; if you say something positive, people will think you are hypocritical and say you are "pretending". It's a matter of social mentality, and many people are always aggressive in their speech, as if they don't have enough to show that they're thoughtful.

For example, some time ago, a doctor was so thirsty that he drank a bottle of dextrose as water for an IV infusion because he had been doing surgery for four hours straight. The photo was posted online, and people commented that the doctor was working too hard, but immediately someone else came along and said, "Who pays for this bottle of glucose?" It drew a chorus of agreement.

I don't know how that doctor would feel when he saw such comments. In this era of the Internet, people are often hurt by some cold language. For example, those so-called "spammers", the author of the hard work of dedicating an article, do not receive any compensation, but they were scolded for nothing. They like to hide in a safe corner and show their inner coldness to the internet.

Language is as damaging to people as nails in a wall, you just pull the nails out, that eye is still there. Those who speak without temperature may also have been hurt, and chose to fight indifference with indifference. And this is an extremely wrong way, in people and their own are very harmful.

And those who are willing to give people a warm language, even if there is no social skills, interpersonal relationships will not be bad.

How do you do that? First, be a grateful person.