To be precise, The Battle for Joy is more of an anthology. It consists of short essays on the psychological characteristics of children aged 0 to 3, 3 to 6, 6 to 10 and 10 to 16, and what parents should pay attention to when raising them. It seems a bit inappropriate to say precautions, though, because it's too serious.
Mr. Ng himself must be a funny person. Otherwise, he couldn't have written such an interesting article.
It is hard to imagine that he is an engineering student or an engineer.
He introduces obscure psychological concepts in easy-to-understand language, and then uses easy-to-read stories and one witty remark after another to make people contemplate in clapping and laughing, and gain in relaxation and happiness - because of the understanding, so calmly.
If teachers were as good as this, learning would never be painful again.
The book has three celebrities who wrote the recommendation of the preface, but in my opinion, they are not as good as Mr. Wu's daughter wrote an afterword with the power of "recommendation". The logic, the playfulness, the picture (as if listening to a monologue). It is hard to imagine that this is the handwriting of a middle school student. I'm sure it's Mr. Wu's own daughter, the blue is better than the blue.
Here are some excerpts from the book that touched me or made me feel something.
These excerpts are only part of the essence of the book.
These snippets are only part of the essence of the book, and only those who read the whole book can experience it.
Recommended.
Excerpts from the notes -
? In East Asia, where Confucianism is the norm, raising children was originally done in large families. Such a family is basically an extended family or clan centered on the father, which is also known as the patriarchal society of the feudal era. In such a family, children were subject to their father's authority, and the father's authority was also the most admired. The mother, though good at taking care of the children in life or materially, has no real decision-making power, and never has to be attentive to the feelings of the children, and that includes understanding and responding to any message sent from the child's inner world.
Nowadays, society is different. The result of the disintegration of the extended family or traditional community is that the small or nuclear family is forced to release its independence. In such a situation, men begin to have to learn to be fathers, and women have to learn to take care of things other than material care (e.g., on a psychological level). Although many people live in a different metropolis than in the past, there is still an invisible pressure on every parent to perform at a certain level, from material to superficial behavior.
...... One of the most striking classic quotes from child psychologist Winnicott is that a child looks up at his mother's face and sees the child himself. The meaning of this saying is that the child lies in his mother's arms, knows nothing about the world, and does not know much about himself, his only source of information is his mother's face, and the child uses his mother's facial expression to judge what kind of person he is.If a child observes his mother's face at any time, and she gazes at him with sparkling eyes, a smile on her face, and full of joy, one day, two days, one week, two weeks, one month, two months, this impression is stacked one on top of the other, and it gradually stabilizes, and the child develops the notion that he is a good child, a child who deserves to be loved, and a valuable child, and his mother is so happy when she sees me. so happy. This is the beginning of the formation of a person's self-worth, but also the core foundation of a person's personality, with this foundation, the person's life will not be too miserable.
If a child sees his or her mother's face, most of the time it is cold, disgusted, and angry, over time, the child will form a concept that because I am a bad child, a child who is not worthy of love, a child who has no value, his or her mother will be so upset when she sees me. The tone of this child's lifelong depression is also largely set.
? ...... Winnicott also has a classic quote: Every child is a parent's natural psychotherapist.
? When a child looks up at his mother's face, he sees the child himself;
when a mother looks down at her child's face, she sees the mother herself.
This gaze between the top and the bottom, you have me, I have you, is the two-way identification of the child and the mother, is the emotional big data **** enjoyment and exchange. It both lays the foundation of the child's personality and repairs the mom's personality deficiencies. It is so precious and important, and so ordinary and simple.
I've seen a lot of articles talking about parenting and companionship, but I don't think that just being with your child is companionship, only a mutually recognized personal relationship is true companionship.
In terms of drive theory, children are also very normal.
This is the age when the drive to attack is at its peak, especially in boys, and he wants to show his power by attacking others and the environment, mainly through behavior and language.
? ...... Don't make an effort to try to be a scientist mom, because having an average person mom is a blessing that wa repaired in his previous life.
A little link to knowledge
The psychological explanation is that a child can only give up a symptom if he or she has played with it. If we have to go to the philosophical level is: we can only give up what we once had. The child is going to do something and did it, and did it right, and then will do it again, and right again, the child's self-confidence will grow stronger and stronger. So be tolerant enough to put up with your child's "bad" behavior.? What is anxiety? Anxiety is the fear of something unpredictable and uncontrollable in the future.
Appreciation and encouragement in the eyes of the mother makes the child feel that I am a great kid and that I don't have to be afraid of anything, and this is the initial building of self-confidence.
? When every child comes into the world, they are curious about the complicated environment, and they will explore it in their own instinctive way.
In this process of exploration, if the people around him are appreciative and encouraging of his curiosity, he will be able to fully realize his potential; if the people around him, whether out of safety or health considerations, are harsh and inhibit his curiosity, he will often be in a state of panic, and when he wants to try to explore the new things, he will be hesitant to look forward to the future, or even to actively retreat to protect themselves. actively retreating to protect himself. With the accumulation of time, the child shows the difference between self-confidence and intelligence, because he can not focus all of his energy on the goal to be challenged, and needs to be divided into a portion to perceive the situation.
Pampering and spoiling are not distinguished by behavior, but by a different starting point. Pampering is about meeting the normal needs of a growing child, spoiling is about meeting the nurturer's own needs, but these often masquerade as the child's needs.The love that the child needs for its own growth is pampering, more of it, because children cannot be spoiled.
Love to fulfill the needs of the caregiver is coddling, the less the better, or it will consume the child.
Knowledge Links
The same piece of land, eighteen years of time can be turned into a drought and floods of fertile land, eighteen years of time can be turned into a slate salinization of the barren sands, it seems to depend on the level of the people of the land, but in fact the root of the landlord to see how to think.? Whether it is planting or raising children, we have to follow the laws of nature, against the laws of nature is called against the sky, is to pay the price.
The famous psychologist Karen Horne said: "People, born with the tendency to self-realization. If obstacles are removed, man naturally develops into a mature, fully self-actualized individual, like an oak seed growing into an oak tree."? Elder Bing Xin once said, "Let children grow naturally like wildflowers." This can be understood as not to do it all, not to take over, not to do it on behalf of, but to rest assured, to let go, to give the child the time and space to grow independently and autonomously. The child's growth belongs to his own, there is no substitute, and ultimately rely on the power of self-sustainable development, only with a strong independence, the child is willing to autonomy, self-reliance, in order to make the physical, intellectual and emotional development of a better, only to help develop the child's independent and responsible attitude.
? With self-confidence, a child's desire to learn will be stronger, and he or she will develop an attitude of responsibility for himself or herself and the ability to deal with problems independently.
? The two main factors that determine a child's future development are genes and the environment. The first is genes and the second is the environment. Genes determine the order of development and the environment determines the level of development.
What parents need to do is to understand their children's developmental stages and characteristics, and create a favorable environment for them at different stages to help them remove obstacles to their growth.
? Don't artificially create frustration for your child, there will be enough frustration in your child's growth path.
? From reassurance to letting go of that "gentle push". It's gentle enough to carry a parent's full of love, not letting the child feel abandoned and rejected; at the same time, it's strong enough to carry a parent's full of trust, so that the child can make up his mind to leave his parent's embrace, and try to challenge the unknown world on his own.
The child's first identity, the object is mom. The child's second identification is with the father (after the age of two or three, children gradually like to play with the father). The second identification is accompanied by the first separation from mom, and the two processes take place simultaneously.(When the second identification is done well), the boy's psychology and physiology begin to harmonize, and from then on he follows his father and runs in the direction of masculinity, following his father's example. This is the boy's second identification and the last psychological identification in terms of gender. ......
(The girl realizes in her second identification that she is not the same as her dad, and begins to slowly separate from him.)...... This is the girl's second separation, from her dad. Although she followed her dad around for a while, this second identification allowed the girl to understand how men think and act, laying the foundation for her to choose a real man in the future.
? From the point of view of the psychological development process, the boy is a separation, two identifications, the second identification of the father is a hammer deal, line on, not to have to start again. The reason why God takes special care of girls and gives them one more chance to identify with us in case something goes wrong and they can still make up for it and make adjustments is because not only do they have to develop themselves well, but they also have to bear the burden of raising the next generation in the future, so they can't afford to be sloppy. Theoretically, women who identify more than once are better developed psychologically than men, and even though as a man I'm not convinced, it's true and I can only resign myself to it.
In this complex process of identification, the boy develops into an internal and external male, and the girl develops into an external and internal female, and they grow up to be attracted to each other according to the laws of nature. In other words, only real girls can attract real boys.
We adults need to understand the principle that a child's behavior depends on what he believes to be true, not what is really true.? Growing up with children is not an easy process, but it is rewarding. One of the best rewards is that children will lead us into their world, awaken our childhood memories, put aside the real world of greed, anger, hatred, separation, and hope for a while, and enjoy the pure joy of the moment.
This is a child to parents specifically customized gifts, on time delivery, out of date.
Boys grow up differently from girls, they need a wider frontier, and since the family has raised a wild horse, they have to give him a piece of grassland. If you only give him a sheep pen, it will be like thought the junior high school teacher describes the boys in the class: naughty, gentle, childish; or like the junior high school girls to describe the male classmates in the class: neither as smart as we are, nor as eye-catching as we are, and the most hilarious thing of all is that it's not as strong as we are.
? When children are not yet capable of directly confronting opponents stronger than themselves, it is a perfectly normal reaction to use imagination to relieve stress.
? ......2-4 year olds are living in two worlds at the same time, a real world suitable for adult **** enjoyment, and a fantasy world of their own, which are parallel, simultaneous, and overlapping.
(2-3 years old) This age of the child and the mother's authority, compared to the power is too weak, struggling a few times also threw up his hands and surrendered, day after day, the child will form a kind of conditioned reflex: I have to obey the authority of the person, the authority of the person can not be rebelled against, rebel against the more ferocious, the more intense counterattacks received.
In such a family environment, the child, like a beautifully bundled crab, will no longer be able to run around and crawl, fighting with each other and missing arms and legs, but also lost the ability to protect himself.
? Out of the family, into the collective environment of the children have a nature, is self-doubt, all hope to be able to through the social group of their own recognition, to confirm that they are a popular person, is a valuable person, so as to gradually form a stable self. If a child does not have a firm foundation in the family, once the evaluation standard of this social environment is problematic, then the child's self-formation will definitely go wrong.
? Mr. Zeng Qifeng said a sentence: children who were handled by their mothers when they were young will be handled by others when they grow up. It means that if a child is trained to be too good when he is young, he will be given a soft persimmon to be pinched by others when he grows up. It is summarized in four words: "good boy easy to goat".
? In theory, kindergarten is an extension of the family upward, not downward extension of the elementary school.
This up-down relationship makes it even clearer that kindergarten is the right place.
The child's growth process is a gradual differentiation process, from the binary relationship of mother and child **** birth gradually transitioned to the triadic relationship of mother, father and child, and then through the kindergarten to expand to the rich diversity of relationships.
For low-collar children, traveling basically can not remember those human landscapes and historical monuments, the only thing that can be remembered is the travel parents and their own together in the pure joy of time. Because this is remembered physically and emotionally, not with the cerebral cortex, this memory is never forgotten. Countless theories and data prove that a person's work efficiency and quality of life, especially the ability to recover from a major blow (reverse quotient), depends on having a good social support system. Being able to effectively build and fully utilize a social support system is an essential part of being successful.?
The so-called social support system refers to the material and spiritual help and support from others that an individual can obtain in his or her own social network.
In layman's terms, it means that a person's success depends on what kind of circle of friends he has, on what kind of circle of friends he can build for himself, and on what kind of help he can get from his circle of friends. This ability is much more important than education, financial strength, physical strength, and beauty, which is charisma.
From the perspective of systemic family therapy, personal problems are the presentation of family problems, personal lifestyles are often the repetition of family lifestyles, the family is an interconnected system, and the determining factor in the creation of problems is the way the family interacts.? Mr. Zeng Qifeng once made a very interesting remark: the patriarchal culture is a protection for women, because in this culture, once you are valued, you are finished.
What this means is: in our traditional culture, if a person is valued, he has to grow up with high aspirations, a chest plus over, follow the rules, work hard, stay away from lowly tastes, refrain from the seven passions and six desires, and work hard to be a pure human being, one who is not like a normal human being, one who is processed according to other people's standards. The unappreciated person is instead a person who has grown up according to human nature, a relatively normal person, a person who lives according to his own standards.
? As the old saying goes: A loving mother has many defeated children. Lao Wu said: strong mother more mediocre son.
A loving mother produces a defeated son because she satisfies her own needs by spoiling her son; a strong mother produces a mediocre son because she vents her anger by castrating her son.
Mead, from the way of cultural transmission, divided the culture of the whole human race into three basic types: Post-Figurative, Co-Figurative, and Pre-Figurative
Post-Figurative: the younger generation learns mainly from the elder generation
Co-Figurative: the younger generation learns mainly from the elder generation. Mutualistic culture: where both the younger and older generations learn from their peers
Pre-Figurative culture: where the elders in turn learn from the younger generations
? The child's creativity is protected, not cultivated, because creativity is the child's natural instincts, as long as the parents do not destroy as long as the good protection is already enough. Perhaps we need to rethink the way we treat our children, because the future is no longer a simple continuation of today, but a complete reversal of today.
? We're better at following than we are at leading.
? Learning from your children is the best way for parents to grow.
If you want to compliment someone, you're bound to find something worth complimenting.? Until a child's desire for exclusivity is fulfilled, all sharing is false, an act of disobedience to please an adult.
? This old Italian lady (Montessori) believed that children are the father of adults.
......
The old lady also issued a stern warning: "Without the children's help to them, the adults will be decadent. If the adult does not strive for self-renewal, a hard shell begins to form around his heart, which will eventually make him insensitive."
The most important psychological task of the adolescent child when developing the ability to self-identify, the child needs to determine the value of the self through the eyes of their peers to position themselves, so they need a high frequency of interaction with their peers. Education has to return to its essence, which is the impact of life on life.Reading in a state of suffering is the least efficient way to read.
? The human brain performs best when it is surrounded by positive emotions, not when it is negative and pessimistic.
......
People become more successful when they are happier and more positive.
? Instead of complaining that kids don't want to "suffer", think about who makes learning a "chore".
?
In a modern society with more and more opportunities, everyone should rely on giving full play to his or her strengths to obtain the appropriate social and economic status, rather than being like a rabbit, struggling hard just to compete with the tortoise who swims faster.
So bitter or not is not absolute, the same do a thing, you are a monkey Sen suit (good hard) or monkey Hi Sen (good happy) with this thing has nothing to do with, and do this thing with the mentality of the relevant.
In this world, no one is afraid of suffering. What we are really afraid of is that there is no point in suffering.
Adler, the famous psychologist, said in his book The Education of the Personality of the Child, "Teachers are not responsible for the school system, but it would be best if they could moderate the dehumanizing and harsh aspects of that system with personal sympathy and understanding." To accompany a child as he grows up, it is necessary to know the laws of his mental development. To be familiar with the laws and to anticipate the enemy is enjoyment; to be half-knowledgeable and to respond in haste is endurance.? When mom's language comes back, mom comes back. When mom comes back, mom's love comes back.
......
When mom's love returns, the child's heart is set.
? Between parents and children, in addition to love, there is a layer of "righteousness": you respect me a foot, I respect you a sheet! You are so good to me, tolerate my rebellion, understand my pressure, do not take the results as the only standard to judge me, I as a person is more important than the results. I can't be too sorry for you, I know that learning is the priority at this stage, I know that you want me to spend more energy and time on my studies, I will do my best to work hard, not only for you, but also for myself.
? From a psychological point of view, the process of a child growing up along the way is also a process of losing dependence.
? Parents give their children a psychological cue to independence and growth through rituals at each point of growth. Through these rituals, the child also learns that although he or she has lost some dependence, he or she has gained more love, unconditional love.
Growth and dependence, like the two ends of a seesaw, are roughly balanced to play. ...... In order to keep this seesaw balanced, the only thing we can do is to make up for what they have to lose with love.
? Growing up is like a long journey that a child must go on independently in the cold winter months when water is dripping into ice, and no one can replace it. Parental love is like food and clothing, the best we can do for our children is to let them eat a little bit before they leave, wear a little bit warm, so that they can go farther.